


Domestic Bliss

by CaseyROCKS



Category: Birds of Prey (TV), D.E.B.S. (2004), Law & Order: SVU, Person of Interest (TV), Rizzoli & Isles, Rookie Blue, The Devil Wears Prada (2006), Women's Murder Club (TV), Xena: Warrior Princess
Genre: F/F, Humor, Romance, multi-fandom - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-25
Updated: 2017-11-25
Packaged: 2019-02-06 03:58:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 32,857
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12809133
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaseyROCKS/pseuds/CaseyROCKS
Summary: It's not whether you win or lose, but if you end up on the couch that matters.





	1. LET’S MAKE A DEAL

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: Welcome to the CR Zone - not to be confused with a calzone which is much tastier but not as funny or Calzona which was just plain depressing and kaput now. 
> 
> (CURSE YOU SHONDA! <.waving fist.>)
> 
> I cannot claim ownership of any the characters in this story. I can't even claim to own most of the DVDs. You Tube is my friend. I'm not making any money from this {snort}; so no harm, no foul. I always return characters I borrow in the same condition I found them in…. Well, sometimes a bit happier. If you have read any of my other stories or series (BLESS YOU!), you’ll know that I write humor. There is no angst, no drah-ma, no icky stuff. A lot of it comes from inside jokes based on show canon, fanfic head canon or the real lives of the actors. 
> 
> A few concepts and events in this story are ‘borrowed’ from an incredible story (Blood Bond) and a Multi-fandom ‘Verse (which started with the story-A Diva's Demise). They were written/created by an author named D. Yup, just D. I call her other things but that is not relevant at this time. Those and her other stories can be found on AO3 under author: D_AValiantHeart. Those concepts/backstories and events are ‘borrowed’ not ‘stolen’. I actually have her permission. 
> 
> Nyah. 
> 
> I just had to promise not to ask her to write the story of what happened in the time interval between her story and my story.
> 
> I’m crazy, not stupid.
> 
> She knows where I live and my dogs like her. 
> 
> Besides, I just needed a few pieces. I also mix/mash in some stuff from my own MisCommunication Series ‘Verse, as well as a few of my other stories/series. I already secured permission to ‘borrow’ from myself. The negotiations were brutal. I’ll be paying myself royalties for decades. Anywho, D and I part ways on certain ships. I do and she doesn’t at all, OR I pick one pair while she picks another. 
> 
> Tomato-Potato. 
> 
> Don’t worry, the mix/mash is not going to be painful and there will not be a fanfic morning after hangover. 
> 
> I will list all the individual ownership credits/production companies at the end of the story. I don’t want to give away the plot points or the surprise cameos just yet. Some pairings are/were canon and some are only canon in my mind. Everything will be okay; they are happier in my sandbox.
> 
> In this story, I play fast and loose with timelines of a few canons so that I can fit certain characters into this story. I am aware that some of these pairings did not exist during the timeline of this one. I am only throwing continuity away here because this is a multi-fandom one-shot and I really, really, really wanted to play with those particular characters. So suspend your belief and just go with it, okay? It’s just a story. The timeline being used is, however, consistent with my MisComm Series. 
> 
> Reading my prior (SVU/BoP/POI/RB) stories might help explain some things referenced n this one, but it isn’t totally necessary to do so to enjoy this story. Those are all comedies as well…if you want some good laughs. 
> 
> Also, there is a mention of Same-Sex marriage legality in this. This story is set prior to the Supreme Court ruling but after the ruling in New York. That is consistent with my MisComm Series timeline as well.
> 
> One last thing - you will find several links embedded in the story. They will take you to the sites which will provide more information about the organizations and the services they provide. Check them out.
> 
> Author’s Note: Thank you to my beta extraordinaire. Although she is usually the one responsible for dragging me to the dark side of more and more fandoms, alas, I cannot blame her this time. I wanted to play with a few of these characters and the story premise came to me in a dream. 
> 
> Sorta. 
> 
> I was daydreaming at work, okay? 
> 
> Don’t tell my boss.
> 
> BTW, I’m using her (my Beta’s, not my Boss’) favorite excuse line in this, but she promised not to sue me. She knows it has become a lucky charm of sorts. Mistakes are all mine and so are all the commas. You can never have too many of those. Commas, not mistakes. {g}
> 
> So buckle up kiddies and let’s get rollin’.
> 
> ~~~~~~~~~~

“Have you fallen and hit your pretty little head?”  Miranda spared a quick glance over her shoulder and then she returned to staring out her office window at the beautiful New York City skyline.

“That wasn’t amusing the first time you said it, and it isn’t this time either,” Andy replied.  Her hands were firmly planted on her hips and a mini scowl graced her face.

Miranda turned and looked at the reporter.  Her eyebrows rose as she took in Andy’s demeanor.  “I’m sorry, I didn’t know I was supposed to be amusing.”  She mockingly placed one hand over her heart.  “I apologize.” The editor held up one hand to stop any reply Andy was going to make. “Let me see.”  She then crossed her arms and pursed her lips in thought.

Andy took a second to glance around the office and try to get her emotions under control.  After all this time, it still miffed her whenever Miranda dismissed her without giving her a chance to explain. “Okay, maybe I shouldn’t have started the conversation the way I did,” Andy admitted to herself.  She jumped in startlement when she heard the fingers snap and her gaze immediately returned to the older woman.

“I know,“  Miranda said as she took a few steps closer to her desk.  She leaned forward on it and stared predatorily at Andy.  “Let me rephrase.  Are you cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs?”  She smirked.

Andy dropped her chin to her chest and counted to ten.  When she finally looked back up, her eyes locked on mirth filled blue eyes.  She had to bite her lip to keep from giggling.   She stepped forward and mirrored Miranda’s stance from the opposite side of the desk.  She leaned within a few inches of the other woman’s face and they stared at each other for a few moments.  Andy then comically crossed her eyes and leaned the rest of the way in and kissed Miranda’s nose.

“Really, Miranda, cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs?”

Miranda laughed. “Would you have preferred ‘a few clowns shy of a circus’? Or maybe ‘two cans short of a six pack’?”

Andy moved forward a few steps and perched on the corner of the desk.  “A taco shy of a combo plate’?”

“Not playing with a full deck.”

“Fries missing from your Happy Meal.”

“Elevator doesn’t reach the top floor.”

“Gone bananas.”

“What do the girls say... cray-cray?”

“Nuts.”

“Seriously, Andrea, all yours are food related.  Is it feeding time again?”

“I missed lunch, okay?” Andy said sheepishly.  “But that’s not the point.  Would you just hear me out? Please?”

“Fine.”  Miranda gestured for Andy to move to the chair and then she seated herself behind her desk.  She clasped her hands, placed them on her desk and waited. “Go.”

Andy took a deep breath.  “A few years ago, you attended the Women in Law Enforcement/Women in Media Conference in Orlando.  For the most part….”

“Disregarding the murder, you mean?” Miranda grinned.

“For the most part, you had a good time.  So good, that you also attended the ones the following years in Las Vegas, Springfield and Los Angeles.”

“You are going glacial, Andrea,” Miranda admonished.  She gestured for Andy to speed it up. “Get to your point.”

“This year, as you know, the twin conferences are here in the city.  No one knows New York better than you.”

Miranda spiked an eyebrow.

“That’s not an age dig.  It’s a fact attesting to your brilliance and influence.  I thought besides attending, you might be willing to help the organizers with planning the entertainment and show those women some New York hospitality.” Andrea tilted her head, “Plus the publicity you’d get for Runway couldn’t hurt.”

“But a ‘Game Show’?  Seriously, Andrea? I will not subject my… OUR… lives to inane questions and ridicule.”

“Miranda, I would never ask that.  I know you value your privacy and family over all else.” She lowered her voice to a whisper. “Although, we’d wipe the floor with them.”  Andy beamed. “No, I thought we could supply the venue and the catering.  That Runway could maybe _persuade_ some of its business associates to ante up some token prizes and prize money.”  Andy held her hand up, “Prize money that would be stipulated to go to the favorite charities of the participants.”    

“That would be acceptable and easily doable.”  She examined her perfectly manicured nails stopping short of buffing them on her blouse.

“And thatyouwouldemceetheprogram.” Andy rushed out and smiled brightly.

“I do not believe I heard you correctly.”

 “I said that you might consider emceeing the program?”  Andy cringed and braced for expected verbal impact. 

“No!” Miranda pushed back her desk chair and stood abruptly.

“But Miran….”

“No, Andrea.  I will be happy to introduce Runway’s affiliation with this event, but I will not stand there and ask these women insane questions, most of which are filled with sexual innuendo. ” Miranda moved to the front of her desk and perched on the edge.

Andrea scooted forward in her chair.  She placed a hand on Miranda’s knee.  “You’ve met these women. You’re good friends with some of them.  Plus you’re perfect.  You’re gorgeous…highly intelligent… Incredibly charming….” 

“No, Andrea, I will not acquiesce to this request.  I love you, but no, not even for you.  Besides this is a faux Game Show.  All you need is someone who is quick-witted and sarcastic with a presence….”  Miranda paused for an instant then continued, “A commanding presence that won’t get overpowered by all the other personalities.”  A devious grin appeared. “Someone who could not possibly refuse **_OUR_** proposition.”  Miranda raised both eyebrows in challenge. “Think about it.”

Andy’s eyes widened as the answer appeared.  “I got it!”

 


	2. THE PRICE IS RIGHT

“You got this.” Andrea grabbed both of Miranda’s hands and squeezed them.  “Go get ’em, tiger.”  The brunette winked at her and got a smile in return.

Miranda took a deep breath and made her way to the front of the stage.  While they used standard convention space for the event earlier, they were currently using a theatre.  The women wanted the true feeling of a television studio with professional lighting and sound systems.  Lucy signaled Scud and he dimmed the house lights.  When Miranda hit her mark, he turned on a spotlight.

“Good evening.  My name is…. Well, If you attended the first Twin Conventions in Orlando then you know I could be… Julia Child.” 

Miranda’s voice flawlessly took on the distinctive lilting voice of the beloved chef. “ ** _Helllllllooooooooooo._** ** _I am going to share my best advice: Learn how to cook - try new recipes; learn from your mistakes; be fearless, and above all have fun!  That and remember to never cook bacon naked_**.”  She paused. “ ** _But do cook bacon often.  Bon appetit_**.”

She waited a moment to let the audience chuckles die down.

“Or,” her voice dropped to a slow drawl, “I could be Forrest Gump.”  She softened her features and smiled innocently.  “ ** _I just read that 4,153,257 people got married last year.  I am not a smart man but shouldn’t that be an even number?_** ”

She waved off the applause.  “Or, then again, I could be Ronald Colman.”  Suddenly the white-haired editor had the velvet smooth voice of the classic British actor.

“ ** _You know, when we were on that plane, I was fascinated by the way the shadow followed us. That silly shadow! Racing along over mountains and valleys, covering ten times the distance of the plane and yet always there to greet us... with outstretched arms when we landed. And I've been thinking that, somehow, you're that plane, and I'm that silly shadow. That all my life I've been rushing up and down hills, leaping rivers, crashing over obstacles, never dreaming that one day that beautiful thing in flight would land on this earth and into my arms_**.” 

In the middle of the impression, Andy came running out to the stage and sighed dramatically. She feigned a swoon and dropped to her knees.  She stared adoringly up at the editor, and cheekily held an autograph book up.

Miranda finished the passage and smirked. “I know, I know.  He’s your favorite.” She held her hand out to pull Andy to her feet.

Andrea took it and rose then kissed it before letting it go. “I do love when you do that.”  She continued to stare deeply into Miranda’s eyes.

“Andrea? Andrea?”  Miranda snapped her fingers. “You do know there is an audience here?”

Andrea turned and looked out into the laughing crowd. “YIKES!” She sidestepped away.  “I’ll be going now.”  She pointed offstage.  “Uhhh, that way.”  She’d just about cleared the stage when she turned back to Miranda.  “PSST.”

Miranda rolled her eyes. “Yes?”

“Um, you will repeat that for me later, right?”

“Yes, dear. But only if you are a good little Andrea and go backstage and let me finish.  These folks are waiting for the entertainment we have planned, and I still have to explain those eclectic quotes.”

“Okay, just checking.”  She waggled her fingers and blew her a kiss.

Miranda shook her head in mock disbelief.  “Where was I?”  She paused. “Oh yes, I could be any of those but tonight I am just Miranda Priestly, editor of Runway and proud New Yorker.”  

She chuckled at a few of the whistles and catcalls from the other New Yorkers in attendance.

“Tonight, we have some unusual entertainment planned.  When I found out that the Twin Convention was going to be held here in the city, I asked if I could help coordinate the entertainment program. I wanted to continue the extraordinary tradition started with the second con in Las Vegas.  After the first Con, the Las Vegas contingent, led by Catherine Willows, had the wonderful idea of volunteering to provide the entertainment.  After all, who knows the local available activities better than the natives?  That second convention gave attendees an incredible private casino night and concert by the one and only Bette Midler.  All the night’s casino proceeds were graciously donated to local food banks and shelters.”  Miranda looked around the audience. “Ms. Willows?  Are you out there?”

Catherine Willows raised her hand.  Scud immediately pointed a spotlight.

Miranda continued.  “Could you and your associates stand please?”  Cat, Sara and Sofia stood.  Sofia bumped Wendy’s shoulder and gestured for her to do the same.  She reluctantly rose.

“All for one and one for all,” Catherine whispered to Wendy.

“Dear guests, I would like to introduce Catherine Willows, Sara Sidle, Sofia Curtis and Wendy Simms. They are the reason that TwinCon Charity Donations was created.  Thank you, ladies.” 

The quartet blushed at the applause and then sat back down. 

“Twin Con number three was _supposed_ to take place in the Windy City.  Then Hurricane Olivia came into town and blew the Con to Springfield.  Olivia Spencer-Rivera offered incredible Convention facilities and guest accommodations at her Beacon Hotel, and then extended the hospitality to her own home.  She and her wife, Natalia, put together an old-fashioned County Fair and Carnival on their family’s farmhouse property.  Attendees could participate in typical fair activities.  There were carnival games and rides and food contests both eating and cooking. 

“YUM!” could be heard from offstage.

“Andrea!” Miranda scolded.

Andy peeked out. “Sorry, but in my defense, I did win one of those, y’know.” She thought for a second, “Can we…?”

“No. The program is already planned.”

“Serendipity’s later?”

Miranda nodded her head, in resignation.  “Sure. Tell the girls.”

Familiar twin voices could be heard from the back of the room. “Thanks, Mom.”  The audience laughed.

“How about adopting me, Mom?” A voice yelled out to a round of chuckles.

Miranda shaded her eyes and tried to track where the voice came from in the room.  Her eyes lit up when she recognized the person.  “Constable Peck, Doctor Stewart. So glad you could make it this year.  Absolutely - you are the only person I know that can out eat Andrea.” 

“Hey!?!”  Andy stepped out, frowning, with hands on hips. “Rude.”  She paused.  “True, but rude.”  She waved at Gail and Holly.  “Hi guys.” 

“Andrea?” Miranda questioned, “Can I get back to my speech now?” 

“Ummm, sure. I’ll go over there until you call me.” 

“That would be acceptable.”  Miranda watched Andy move back offstage.  She thought for a moment and picked up where she left off.  “As I said, there were cooking and eating contests, a cornfield maze and hayrides.  The proceeds from the games of chance were donated to the Springfield Boys and Girls Club to help purchase new sports equipment and computers.”  Miranda looked out into the crowd.  “Olivia?  Natalia?  Where are you?” 

Olivia took Natalia’s hand and they stood.  Natalia waved shyly and Olivia grandly.  Olivia blew a kiss to the crowd before seating Natalia and herself again.

“Twin Con number four was in Los Angeles and it really was angels that in made this one a roaring success.  Sabrina Duncan, Kelly Garrett, Kris Munroe and, of course, Charles Townsend arranged an incredible personalized tour of Universal Studios by day and special participation privileges for those so inclined for that evening’s Halloween Horror event.  In addition, they procured some incredible and rare movie memorabilia that was silently auctioned throughout the weekend.  Again, thousands of dollars were raised which were donated to the Make -a-Wish Foundation.”  Miranda continued to speak above the audience applause, “Ladies, if you will.”  She gestured for them to stand.   Scud found the group and lit them.  Sabrina, Kelly and Kris waved at everyone.  Huge smiles adorned their faces.

“Hey Miranda?”  Kris called out, “Ball is in your court.”

Miranda smiled knowingly.  “Yes, yes it is. When Andrea and I first discussed this we asked ourselves the question - So, what is New York known for?  Immediately, Broadway came to my mind.  I do hope those of you who took advantage enjoyed the private performance last evening of the revival of Spamalot.”

“A lot.” Andy yelled from offstage.

Miranda rolled her eyes and shook her head.   She smiled.  “But we thought we also needed more.  We needed to add a fun event with attendee participation.  So Andrea decided if LA gets films, New York gets TV. “

Miranda looked offstage.  “Andrea?  Can you please come back out here?”  She continued while Andy made her way over. “Which brings me back to those quotes.   Andrea and I were lucky enough to be allowed to marry thanks to the laws of this state.  Unfortunately, that is not the case everywhere.”  

“Yet,” Andy added.

“Yet,” Miranda repeated. “But that doesn’t mean that household happiness….”

“Ooh, well done.” Andy nodded her head, impressed.

“Thank you.  But that doesn’t mean that household happiness is limited to only those with a marriage certificate.  So we will be presenting tonight our version of the classic TV game show ‘Significant-other-I-know-you-better-or-at-least-as-well-as-you-know-me game’.”

“Think about it,” Andy waggled her eyebrows at the audience. “Yup, that one.”  She giggled. She dramatically checked all around then took a step closer to the audience.  “Copyright laws,” she whispered into her microphone. “We’re calling it Domestic Bliss.  If you remember, in your Con Info packets, there was a slip where you could volunteer to participate. I believe the only stipulations were that both you and your other had to agree to play; you had to agree to play nicely with others; and, most importantly, not to hold the writers of the questions,” she gestured between herself and Miranda, “of this game responsible if you ended up sleeping on the couch for a significant time period following the game.”

“Because Las Vegas, Springfield and Los Angeles charities already benefited from other Con donations, we vetted out volunteer players from those areas.”  Miranda pushed through the murmurs in the audience. “We want to give other areas a chance at some needed financial assistance.”

“Yeah, yeah, Mira.  You were just afraid Natalia and I would kick your ass in this,” Olivia mockingly shouted up at the stage. Natalia swatted Olivia on the shoulder.

“That is highly….” Miranda nodded her head in agreement, then with a smirk, changed it to a shake. “... unlikely but it’s always good to have a dream.”

“Boom,” Andy added and dropped her microphone on the stage. The squelch was deafening.  She sheepishly hurried to pick it back up.

“How long have you been wanting to do that?” Miranda asked.

Andy looked down at her shoes.  “I always wanted to do that, and since someone was dumb enough to hand me a mic.…” her voice trailed off.

“Hey!” Lucy Diamond exclaimed indignantly from offstage.

“Got it out of your system now?”

“Yes.”

“And…?”

“Sorry, Lucy.”

“Interruptions.  Interruptions.  How did I get talked into this?” Miranda asked, as she looked skyward.

“How did you get talked into this?  How did I bloody well get talked into this?”  Emily Charlton stepped out on stage.

“Dear friends, I would like to introduce, or reintroduce, Ms. Emily Charlton.  She is a cherished Runway associate.  Emily will be your emcee for the night.”

“Oh… really?” Her eyebrows raised in surprise.  Then she schooled her features.  “Yes, well….”  She addressed the crowd as she moved back offstage, “I’ll be back in a bit.”

Miranda continued, “Tonight’s activity is very much a Runway family project.  I would also like to announce that several of Runway’s longtime advertisers have graciously donated the prizes, trophies and cash donations that will be made to the participants’ chosen charities.  All participating couples will get one thousand dollars for their charity just for playing.  They will receive one hundred dollars per point earned and an additional bonus each time they advance to the next round.  The overall winner will receive a check of twenty five thousand dollars for their charity.”

Applause and whistles filled the room.

Andy waited for the crowd to settle and then pulled some index cards from her pocket, “I would like to announce our vict….”  She grinned. “... participants for the game.  We are going to take a short intermission while we get everyone prepped to play.  Those of you not chosen to play, please enjoy the incredible edibles and the open bar in the lobby area.  If you are one of the chosen few, please make your way toward the stage and we will have a Convention associate escort you backstage. First up….”


	3. DEAL OR NO DEAL

Janet ran her hand across the top of one of the contestant booths.  A look of pride and accomplishment graced her face.  She was jolted out of her reverie when she heard her name.

“Janet?!?”  Lucy called over, “You wanna grab some mics and suit some of the others up please? I got Big X here.”

“Sure thing, Luce.  I’m on it.”

“So Boss, whatcha think?” Lucy asked. 

“It looks great, kid.  Very authentic.” Xena looked around, shaking her head, thoroughly impressed with the set-up. 

The stage had seven booths that were set in a slight crescent moon layout.  The booths were pure white.  Each booth sported some delicate scroll-work in the various colors of the rainbow.  All of the booths had a pair of screens on the front.  In addition, a big screen was set up above all the booths for the audience’s visual benefit.  

“Amy did a hella job on the design and Scud and his little minions did an incredible job bringing them to life.”

“Don’t let Max hear you call her a minion.”

“Yeah,” Lucy mocked being terrified. “Who knew she was so good with power tools.”

“Or what else she could do with them.” Xena deadpanned then cocked an eyebrow.  “I also noticed she picked up a couple of admirers.” 

Lucy just grinned.  “The Priestly twins, yeah.”  She shook her head, “Not sure how that happened.  Max never impressed me as being good with kids but….”  Lucy shrugged and then waved her hand around as she finished explaining, “Scud did all the electronics. The contestants will enter their answers on the tablets and then when appropriate, the answers will display on the booth screens and also on the big ass screen up there.”  Lucy gestured in the direction of the back of the theater.  “Scud and Dom will be manning the lights and sound booth.  Max and her helpers will be providing the door security and Janet will be helping me up here.”  Lucy returned to her task. 

Xena slapped at Lucy’s hand, which she thought was getting a bit too friendly as it attached the microphone to her shirt. “Tell me again how I got roped into this.”

“All done,” Lucy said and she patted Xena’s chest just to annoy her. “You’re playing because Prentiss and Jareau caught a case and had to book it out of town.  The only other volunteers are all from New York and we didn’t want to make this look like we stacked the deck too much.”

“But I run this Con.  That isn’t stacking the deck?”

“The money is being donated by corporate sponsors.  It’s not like you’re taking anything away from the good hearts of the attendees.  Besides, you don’t HAVE to win, y’know?”

“Why don’t you and Amy play then?”

“Have you met me?  Scratch that… have you met Amy?  The girl is more competitive than you. Do you think I want to chance answering a few questions wrong and end up sleeping on the couch for a month?”  She shook her head no.  “Besides, Amy has a bigger job.” Lucy pointed off-stage at a small cubical.  “She’s the sole judge.  If there is a dispute over an answer, she will decide if it counts or not. She gets to watch on closed circuit. We were going to give her that small room just off-stage, but Miranda and Andy claimed that for their own.  Scud wired it in as well, so they could watch everything in comfort.”

“Really nice job, Lucy.”  Xena said, “Seriously, nice work.”

Lucy ducked her head, sheepishly, and accepted the compliment with a slight nod. She turned to look at the other contestants getting wired up.  “Ah, here comes your much better half now. “  She waved at Gabrielle.  “C’mere, little girl, I got something for you.”  Lucy held up the clip-on mic and waggled her eyebrows.

Xena grabbed the back of Lucy’s shirt and pulled her close and whispered in her ear. “One wrong move and you’re gonna get introduced to traction.”

Lucy nodded her head briskly. “Gotcha.”  She handed the mic to Xena, “How about you do it?”  She pointed to another couple.  “I’ll go help them.”

Xena slapped Lucy’s cheek lightly.  “Smart.”

“Hi, Gab. Bye, Gab. Good luck in the game.”  Lucy scooted off.

“Do I want to know?” Gab arched an eyebrow. Xena smiled back and batted her eyes. “Yeah, probably not.”

**~~~~~~**

Janet finished hooking on the mics.  “All set.  We’ll do a sound level check once everyone else is hooked up.  Right now these are off.”  She waved and began walking away to her next set of contestants. “Good luck, ladies.”

“Thank you,” Barbara replied automatically but her attention was on the still brooding Helena.  “Hel, give it a rest. Just forget about it.”

“Red, that outfit is just so, so… me.  I would look fabulous in it.  You would look fabulous accompanied by me in it.  How dare she say it wouldn’t fit me?!”  She began gesturing wildly. “I got a five minute lecture.  We are at most eight pounds apart.  The little troll….”

“Helena, she is only an inch or so shorter than you.”

“I said troll, not elf.”

**~~~~~~**

Lucy approached the third booth only to get waved off by Janet.  “Already got these.”  Janet turned back to the couple.  “Good luck.”

“Oh, I don’t need luck, honey.  I know my little Sweetie here head to toe, inside and out, top to bottom even.”  Root said with a wink.

Shaw either didn’t hear or wisely chose to ignore the comment and continued to look around. “Root? Tell me again why we are doing this?”

“The Machine sent us here so we could cultivate relationships with some possible new allies. Even though we have several teams scattered about, we can always use more help.”   Root leaned in and whispered to Shaw, “By the way, did you notice that the guy doing the lighting looks like a young Logan.  I wonder if they’re related?”  She shook her head, “Anyway, where was I?  Oh, so what better way to do that than to participate in a convention of Law Enforcement and Media.  After all, knowledge is power.”  Root paused for a moment and then grinned. “Plus some of them are really cute. RAWR.”  

Sameen punched Root in the shoulder and glared.  “Some of them are really cute,” she mocked back.  “That’s what you said about Joey too.  He’s sooooooooooooo cute. Blech.”  She stuck her tongue out in disgust. 

“I was only being nice to him because he saved your life.   Oh and yeah, he is kinda cute, I guess.  Not that I would marry him and bear his children just for being cute.”  She bumped Sam’s shoulder. 

“Besides, you know I love you best, Sweetie.”  Root blew her a kiss. “But you never know when being acquainted with one of them might come in very handy. These professional women could be an immense help in the future.  Samaritan may be gone, but the numbers never stop.” 

“That I understand.  I just don’t understand why Ms. ‘Careful-don’t-blow-your-cover’ Machine wants us to suddenly parade ourselves in front of the entire group. Why are we doing _this_?” she said deliberately emphasizing the last word.

“The game show?”

Shaw nodded.

“Oh, that wasn’t **HER** idea. I thought it would be fun.”

**~~~~~~**

“Okay, ladies,” Lucy clapped Olivia on the shoulder to get her attention. “Everything is all set.”  Then she repeated again, “Everything.”  Lucy winked.  “You comfortable there, Detective?”   Lucy gestured to the limited leg space.  “I can always get Max to make a few adjustments to accommodate your cast.”

Olivia nodded slightly.  “Thanks, but no need to bother her.  As long as I don’t move around too much and bang it on the booth, I should be fine.  Could you leave the crutches backstage somewhere?  I am pretty sure I won’t be needing to make a fast getaway.  I am looking forward to this.  It should be… ummm… fun.”

“Good luck.”  Lucy held out her hand and received a fist bump in return from Olivia.  

Olivia mouthed back, “thank you.”

“Honey, I’m kinda surprised you actually wanted to do this.  I mean our last foray in game shows wasn’t exactly an overly pleasant experience.”

“C’mon, Case, you only live once.”

Casey grabbed Olivia’s face and peered deeply into her eyes.  “Are you feeling okay?”  She put her hand on Liv’s forehead.  “No fever.”

Olivia removed Casey’s hand and gave her an unamused look, tongue firmly in cheek.

Casey, mockingly, then mirrored the look and added a cocked eyebrow.

“Fine,” Olivia said and then added in a mumble, “I wasn’t going to pass up a chance to beat Boxer and Thomas again.”

“That’s more like it.” Casey laughed and kissed Olivia’s cheek.

**~~~~~~**

“So, ladies, are you ready for this?”  Janet finished hooking on Gail’s mic and moved to do the same for Holly.

Holly took a deep breath.  “Yeah, I think so.  Gail?”

“I am so ready to kick ass. This is my kind of game.  No heavy lifting and no heavy breathing.”

Holly leaned in close and whispered, “You didn’t seem to mind the heavy breathing last night.”   

Janet cringed and face palmed when Holly’s admission boomed throughout the theater.  Laughter and clapping could be heard from the other side of the closed stage curtain.  The other contestants turned to look at the pair and immediately started chuckling.

“Yikes! I’m soooooooooooo sorry. I forgot to make sure it was off before I plugged it in.”

Gail blushed right to her ear tips but never lost her bravado. She glared at Janet, who held out her hands in a placating gesture.   “It’s off now; it’s off.  Sorry.”

Gail stood and made eye contact with the other contestants. “Face it, people - she’s hot, she’s mine and I’m a lot of things but crazy isn’t one of them.  That is all.” Gail grinned and then sat back down.

Holly slunk down in her seat, and prayed she could will herself to be invisible.

**~~~~~~**

Lucy left Lindsay and Cindy with a wave and a thumbs-up sign.   Cindy sat back in the booth and took it all in.   She smiled over at Lindsay, who was acting more nervous by the minute.

“Lindz, it’ll be fine.”  Cindy took her hand and squeezed it. 

“I’m not sure I’m entirely comfortable doing this,” the Inspector admitted. “Talking about personal things other people have no business knowing.”

“Then why did you sign us up for it?” Cindy gently asked. “You knew what this game involved.”

“I didn’t sign us up.” Lindsay answered.  “I saw you signed the slip.  So I just went along with what I thought you wanted and signed the paper and left it on the table in the room for you to turn in.  I figured you really wanted the charity donation money.  It’s a great cause and I wanted you to be able to give it to them.”

Cindy shook her head.  “Ummm, no.  I didn’t think you would want to play so I was really surprised when I found your signature on the slip.  Since you obviously wanted to play, I figured you just hadn’t had time to mention it to me.  So I signed the slip.  I left it on the table in the room for you to turn in.”

“Except I didn’t.”  Lindsay’s brows creased in thought.  “Wait.  You found a slip with just my signature on it?”

“Yeah.”

“But I found a slip with just your signature on it.  And neither of us turned it in so….”

“So who?”

Lindsay’s eyes widened as the answer occurred to her.  “I’m gonna kill her….”

**~~~~~~**

Jane fiddled with the microphone that Janet attached to her shirt collar.  “Are you sure this one is off?”

Maura grabbed Jane’s hands in her own and settled them down.  “I’m sure it is, but it won’t be if you keep playing with it.”  She turned to Janet.  “Thank you, Janet.”

“You’re welcome, Doctor Isles.   I hope you ladies have a great game.”

“I still can’t believe you actually wanted to participate in this contest, Jane.”

“Why not? With your Google brain, we should kick ass and take names.”

“Jane!?!  Language.  Why are we taking names? What did they do?”

“Nevermind.  I just mean with your knowledge of well, just about everything; we should clean… win easily.”

“But the questions aren’t about everything – they’ll be about us.”

“Well, okay, I know that.  And… and… I know lots of things about you.  We are LLBFFs, y’know?  And you have that idi… edi… edamame….”

“Edamame is immature soybeans in a pod.  Loaded with protein and fiber and folate, manganese, vitamin k….”

“Mau-ra!” Jane whined.  “The point is, your….” She waved at Maura to supply the word.

“Eidetic memory?”

Jane looked heavenward. “Thank you, G….”

“Jane?!?”

“Googlewikiwatchiepedia.  That thing means that you remember everything about me.”

“Only the things I have been privy to witness or hear about concerning you. Not any of your deepest, darkest secrets you may still be hiding.”

“What?  My life is an open book.”

“Comic book, maybe.”

Before Jane could continue, Lucy interrupted, “Attention, contestants.  Everyone is mic’d up, and we are ready to rock and roll. We’re going to do one last sound check.  When I point at you just speak normally and say your name.  Once we get through all fourteen of you, we’ll get this party started.”    

 


	4. WHAT’S MY LINE

The lights in the theater blinked a few times.  Lucy watched from the corner of the stage and waited for the audience to settle back in their seats.   Once Scud dimmed the lights, she grabbed a hand mic, and motioned Emily over.  Emily accepted it, took a deep breath and strode confidently out onto the stage to a smattering of applause.  

“Good evening. Once again, I am Emily Charlton and I will be the host for this endeavor.”  She looked out at the audience.  “Let me reiterate quickly how the game will be played.  First, I will introduce all the couples.  Next we will temporarily separate the couples.  One set will be taken backstage to an isolated room.  The tablets they all have will have a list of questions for them to answer.  They have a very short time period in which to answer the questions.   We will then reunite all the couples, and I will read the randomly selected questions out loud.  Some questions will be posed to both parties and some may just be asked to one.  We’ll see how much they know about each other when we compare their answers.  Couples are awarded a specific number of points per right answer, with the exception of the very last question.  I will explain more when we get there.  Their chosen charities will receive one hundred dollars per point.”  Emily glanced over at the side of the stage.  “Lucy, are you ready?”

Lucy stuck her head out and nodded.

“Then let’s play… Domestic Bliss.”

The curtain opened and Scud turned up the lights on the stage just over Xena and Gabrielle.  Emily walked over to the duo.

“Everyone should know who you two are, but would you introduce yourselves anyway?” Emily requested.

Gabrielle answered, “I’m Gabrielle and this….” She pointed to her partner. ”... is Xena.”

“What?”

“What the what?” Gabrielle asked, puzzled.

“What are your  last names…?” Emily corrected herself. “Gabrielle and Xena what?”

“Just Gabrielle and Xena.”  Xena answered.

“No last names?”

“No.”

“Seriously.”

“No.”

“No seriously? Or No no?”

“No no.” Xena paused and smirked. “Seriously.” She crossed her arms.

“Criminey, I got Sonny and bleeping Cher here.” Emily muttered as she pointed to Xena and then Gabrielle.

“Actually,” Gabrielle corrected with a chuckle, “I think that would be Cher and then Sonny.”

“Emily?!?” Xena growled. “Get on with it.” She glared at Emily.

“Right-o.”  Emily stepped away from Xena and moved closer to Gabrielle.  “So Gabrielle, I know you are filling in for another couple that was unable to play.  A couple whose information is on my card - not your information, their information….” She said peevishly and glared offstage at Lucy Diamond, who just shrugged.  “Might you tell us what you do when you are not putting together these Conventions?”

“Xena is a security specialist and I’m a writer.”

“Storyteller,” Xena added.  “Most people can write; not many can tell stories like you do.” 

Gabrielle leaned in and bumped Xena’s shoulder with her own.  She smiled brightly. “Still my champion.”

“Always.”

“How did you two meet?” Emily asked. 

Xena looked over to Gabrielle with panicked eyes.  She addressed Emily, “We met in a forest. We…she…I…” 

Gabrielle jumped in, “We were hiking in the forest.  I was with my sister and some neighbors and she was alone.  We got in a bit of a… predicament and… uh… Xena helped us out.”   She smiled at Xena.  “I took one look at those baby blues, and I was hooked.  I just had to convince her.” 

“Yeah, she stalked me for awhile.” 

“And you loved it.” 

“Yeah, I do and I do love you too.” 

There was a collective ‘awwwww’ from the audience and some applause.

“Before I move on to the next couple, can you tell me what charity you chose?”  Emily asked earnestly.

Gabrielle looked at Xena and gestured with a head tilt that she should answer.  “Well, when Gabrielle and I first started out together we really had no permanent residence.  No place to call a home of our own.  Over the years we got involved with an organization to help people in that very situation.  We will be playing for [Habitats for Humanity](https://www.habitat.org/).”  Xena held up her hand to forestall the applause. “As a matter of fact, in a couple of weeks we’ll be working on building a couple of houses in New Jersey.  If anyone would like to wield a hammer or lend some time to painting or landscaping, please join us."  

Casey excited raised her hand and interrupted, "Ooh, I have always wanted to put my power tools to real work. I would love to help, if I can." 

"Just get with either of us sometime this weekend and we’ll give you the particulars.”  

The audience applauded, and Emily moved on to the next couple.  Scud cut the light over the first booth and lit up the newest one.

“Moving along to our next couple. And you are…?” Emily stepped over to the next seated pair.  She eyed Helena up and down. “Oh it’s you,“ she sneered.

“Kyle, right. ‘elena Kyle, but yer me sweetie, so ye can call me 'el,” was uttered in her very worst attempt at a Cockney accent.  “OOOF!”  Barbara elbowed Helena in the side.  She narrowed her eyes and glared back at her.  “Just 'avin' some fun - don't cop yer panties in a twist.” Helena gestured to Barbara. “No sense of 'umor, that girl.”  She winked at Emily. “But God knows, I luv 'er ter deaff.” 

“Helena, stop or else,” Barbara spit out through gritted teeth. 

“Or else wot?” 

“Can you not be serious?”

“Straight up then, eh, guv?”  Hel waggled her eyebrows.  “Not if I can 'elp it.”

Emily stood tapping her foot.  She pointed her finger at Helena.  “I. Do. Not. Sound. Like. That.” She spoke each word deliberately. 

“Okay,” Helena threw her hands out in a placating gesture. “Would you prefer Elmer Fudd?”  She leaned forward and grinned, “My name is Kywe, Hewena Kywe.  Huh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh.  How awe you Emiwy? Beautifuw weathew we awe having.”

“Stop that or I’ll….” Emily looked over at Barbara for approval. The redhead shrugged.

“You’ll what?” Helena asked.

Emily leaned in and grabbed Helena by her leather jacket lapels and pulled her forward.  “I’ll… I’ll….”  She whispered in Helena’s ear.

Helena leaned back and slapped Emily’s hands away.  “I think not.”  She pointed behind Emily at the audience who by this point was howling in laughter.

Emily growled.

“Did she just growl at me?” The brunette asked, looking between Barbara and Emily.

“Yes, she did.” Barbara nodded her head.

Helena turned back to Emily and narrowed her eyes. “Dis means waw, wabbit.”

“Bring it.”

“You'ww be cwying uncwe.”

“Shan’t.”

 “Wiww.”

“Shan’t.”

“Wiww.”

“Shan’t.”

“Wiww.”

“Shan’t.”

“Wiww.”

“Shan’t.”

“Shan’t.”

Emily smiled smugly, then replied, “Shan’t.” 

“Dammit, that always worked in the cartoons.” Helena began going though the exchange in her head.

Smirking, Emily purposely turned to Barbara.  “You are?”

“Barbara Gordon. We will be playing for [Art Works For Healing](http://www.awbw.org).  It’s an organization that uses art as a healing tool to empower and transform individuals who have been impacted by domestic violence.   I have an idea what you are going to ask, so let me just start by saying - I believe Cindy, Gabrielle and I are the only ones not directly associated with the Law Enforcement side here.  I’m a teacher and, in my spare time, I write.” 

Helena coughed and then tried to look innocent.

Emily bit her lip and looked skyward for an instant. “So Barbara, what does Helena do?”

“Well, she’s a… ummm… actually… my assistant.  No, that’s not quite right.  She’s my….”

“Go on... say it.  Tell the world the truth, Barbara.” Helena threw one arm across her eyes. “I’m tired of hiding my true self.”  She looked at Barbara. “Tell them or I will.”

“Hel?!?” Barbara’s brows knitted in puzzlement.

“Fine, I’ll tell them.  I run around fighting evil and do-goodering.” She cringed at the way that sounded but went on. “With nary, I say, nary a thank you.” 

Emily laughed.  “Like I’d believe that.”

“She’s really a bartender,” Barbara blurted out.

“Barfly maybe,” Emily snarked.

Barbara bit her lip to stop from smiling.

Helena narrowed her eyes at both of them.  One eyebrow then rose. The way their expressions changed, she was sure she really had just sprouted horns.  The brunette braced her hands on the front of the booth and leaned forward.  The smirk on her face told everyone that she knew good and well that her cleavage was on display. “Fine.  I was trying to protect you but I see now, Red…. I’ll tell you the whole truth.”  She addressed the audience. “I am Kyle, Helena Kyle… love slave to Barbara Eileen Gordon.”  Hel began to pour it on thick. “She is relentless.  I work at the bar at night just to get some peace and rest.”  She pointed to the redhead. “Goodness, her initials say it all.  I make her BEG and then she makes me BEG and then I make her mmph….”

Barbara put a hand over Helena’s mouth to shut her up. The brunette promptly licked it, much to Barbara’s annoyance.  Barbara scowled at her partner and then looked for something to wipe her hand on.  

Helena took the opportunity to get Emily’s attention again. She stood up.  “So, Emily, I’m thinking I now have afternoons free.  You apparently need some stress relief and you told me I needed to work off a few pounds.  I’m not sure the girls really need a reduction,” she cupped her breasts and lifted them up, “but I’ll chance it for you, baby cakes.  What do you say?  You… Me… RAWR!”    

Barbara grabbed Helena’s arm and yanked her back down into the seat.

Lucy came running from backstage and grabbed the mic and the cards just as Emily charged past on her way offstage.

“AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!” 

A few awkward minutes later, Emily returned again.  She paused at the side of the stage and Lucy snapped the cards in one hand and the mic in the other.  Emily was heard muttering, “Stiff upper lip and all that… rot.”  She glared once more at Helena as she walked to the second booth.  She then took one more calming breath and plastered on her best fake smile.

“Barbara?  Where did you meet Helena? And why do I think it involved bars and visiting hours.” 

Helena glared and mumbled something.  Barbara thought she caught the words “monkey bars and nap time.”  Then more clearly, Helena answered, “Actually, I have known Red here since….” 

Barbara put a finger up to silence Hel.  She shook her head vigorously.  “Helena’s Mother introduced us, actually.” 

“Moving right along,” Emily shuffled the cards in her hands as she shifted to the third booth.  “You are…? Umm, Sam?” 

“No, I’m Root,” the brunette answered with a huge smile.  She hooked her arm through Shaw’s and leaned in to kiss her cheek.  Shaw answered with an eye roll. 

Emily kept checking the cards like the information would change. “Wait a bloody minute.  So you…” she pointed to Shaw, “are Root and you….” She pointed to Shaw.  “... are Sam.” 

“Shaw,” The compact brunette answered through gritted teeth. 

“Root and Shaw?” 

In stereo she received her reply.  “Yes.” 

“But my card says Sam.” 

Again, in stereo, she received her reply. “Yes.” 

“What?” 

“Yes, my name is Samantha.” 

“So you are Sam.” 

“No, I’m Root.” 

“But I have it right here,” she showed them the card. “See? S-A-M.” 

“Okay.  Waitaminute.”  The shorter woman interjected.  “I am S-A-M…sorta.”  She bit her lip while she chose her words.  “I’m actually S-A-M-E-E-N, but it’s pronounced a little different.” 

“Okay, how?” 

“Sh-aw.” 

Emily tossed her cards over her shoulder.   She closed her eyes and counted to ten.  She took a deep breath and turned to the audience.  “Excuse me a moment.”  The redhead, obviously on a mission, stalked offstage.  She handed Lucy her mic and exited backstage.   “ANDY!?!”

A loud crash was heard and then a door slam.  A few minutes later Emily made her reappearance.  She smoothed down her dress and made her way back toward the third contestant booth.  She stopped dead in her tracks, looked down at her hands and closed her eyes in disbelief.  She held out one hand and snapped her fingers.   Lucy ran out and held out the info cards she had just picked back up.  Emily snatched them out of her hand. 

She made the final few steps to the couple’s booth and waved off anything they were going to say.  Emily took another breath.   “Root... Shaw.  Raw. Shoot.  Two Sams-Too Furious - don’t care.  Two more items from The Closet.”

Shaw and Root looked at each other in puzzlement.  Root mouthed “Closet?” at Shaw who just shrugged.  Emily then realized she had no mic and just held out her hand again.  Lucy ran up and handed it to her with a wink and a blown kiss.   She returned a glare. 

“Sorry about that. Now where were we?”  She paused for a moment. “What do you two do when you are not confusing people with your names?”

“I’m a security specialist and Root here is a cyber security specialist.” Sameen answered.

“What’s the difference?”

“I kick ass and she sits on hers.”

“SAMEEN!”

Shaw just grinned at Root’s annoyance.

“Where did you two meet?” 

Shaw replied first, “We shared a business associate and met while we were… researching information about a client.” 

“Oh, that was good,” Root shoulder bumped Shaw.  Root then addressed Emily as well, “She found me….”  She took a slight pause, then added, “Electrifying, and I swept her off her feet.” 

The audience reacted with awwws and applause, while Shaw just rolled her eyes. 

Emily cleared her throat. “Charity?”

Shaw’s eyes widened when she realized they hadn’t actually picked one; she turned to Root.

“I got this, Sweetie.” Then leaned in and whispered in Shaw’s ear, “And you’ll get yours later.” She pinched Shaw’s arm hard to make her point.  Root then turned her attention to Emily and the audience.   “We will playing for [Paws and Stripes](http://www.pawsandstripes.org/).  They’re an organization that rescues dogs from shelters and trains them to be service animals for veterans.”  That announcement was greeted with applause and again the spotlight moved to the next booth.

“And you are?” Emily held her breath while she shuffled through the cards.

“Hi, Emily.” Casey greeted the host as she approached.  “I am Casey Novak and this is Olivia Benson.”

The host let out a huge sigh.  “Finally, a card that matches.”   She smiled at the couple; then waved the card in front of them.  “You are both law enforcement, correct?”

“Yes,” Olivia answered this time. “I’m a Detective with the Special Victims Unit out of Precinct 16 and Casey is our Assistant District Attorney.”

“I believe next to Xena and Gabrielle, you are the couple who have been together the longest.”

“Years,” Casey quickly offered. 

Olivia followed with, “Forever.” 

Emily chuckled at the fleeting bizarre look Casey gave Olivia.  “What do you think is responsible for your years together?” 

“Well,” Casey answered, ”I think mutual respect.”  She tapped her lip for a minute, deep in thought.  Her green eyes began to twinkle. “Oh, and the sex is awesome.” 

The audience reacted with ooohs, catcalls and whistles. 

Olivia face palmed and blushed. “Seriously, Casey?” Olivia mumbled through her hands. 

Casey playfully shoulder-bumped Olivia. “Seriously awesome.” Casey reiterated then immediately followed with an address to a certain audience member.  “Don’t even think about saying it, Abbie.”  

“Love you too, Case.” Abbie replied from the back row of the theater.  She gave a shrug to those who had turned in their seats to see where the heckler was actually located. 

Liv cleared her throat, trying to get back on topic and added, “Plus we know the stresses of each of our jobs.  It’s hard to maintain a relationship if the other person can’t deal with your job.” 

“So hard,” Casey agreed. 

“That’s what she said,” was yelled from the audience. 

“Shut up, Abbie,” yelled out both Casey and Liv.  They looked at each other and grinned.  

“You two are apparently in sync; so, was it love at first sight?” Emily asked earnestly. 

Casey broke out into gales of laughter.  When she finally got herself under control, she pointed to Olivia.  “We met at a crime scene.” 

“We did too,” Gail chimed in. 

“So did we,” Lindsay added. 

“She called me a bitch,” Casey said with a grin. 

“I tried to toss her out of the scene,” Gail remarked and gestured to Holly. 

“I arrested her,” Lindsay admitted and chuckled as Cindy blushed. 

“I’ll get to you two in a minute.”  Emily addressed the other two couples.  She then fixed her gaze on Olivia and crossly asked, “Bloody Hell, woman! Are you daft?” 

Liv looked affronted, “Not to her face.  However, I might have said it to Elliot, my partner, repeatedly.”  She added quickly to forestall Emily’s reply.  “She was brand new to SVU, and she walked into my crime scene and proceeded to tell me how to process it.”  

Emily turned her attention to Casey.  Casey explained, “I thought I knew it all and found out I didn’t know jack.  Liv was right. I was being a bitch about things and I did end up learning my lesson.” 

Emily acquiesced. “So when did it turn into love?” 

Casey thought for a moment, ”I dunno.  We got to know each other and became friends and it just progressed from there.  I don’t think there was any one moment of realization for me.”  She turned to Olivia. “What about you, honey?” 

Liv grinned, “I knew you loved me when you finally stopped trying to get me to do sports.” 

“AMEN!” Gail Peck added. 

“HALLELUJAH!” Lindsay Boxer chimed in. 

“RIGHT OUT, SIBLING!”  Maura Isles rejoined.  

“That’s right on, sista!” Jane Rizzoli corrected. 

“Oh,” Maura accepted the correction, and then shouted out again, “RIGHT ON, SISTER!” 

The other contestants laughed along with the audience.  Scud immediately lit up the entire line of booths. 

Emily shrugged. Her back was to the audience.  “I’m easy, might as well do all four couples at the same time.”  The audience broke out into guffaws and whistles.  Emily turned and glared. “Oh… stuff it.” 

“That’s what she said,“ Abbie replied. 

Emily growled and stood with her hands on her hips.  “What has gotten into you?” 

“That’s what she said.” 

Emily looked skyward and then back out into the audience.  “How did I get myself into this position?” 

“That’s what she said.” Abbie choked out through laughter. 

“Shut up, Abbie,” was quickly yelled back by Casey and Olivia.  

“ANDY!?!” Emily lowered her chin to her chest and snarled into the mic. 

Andy stuck her out from the side of the stage and smiled.  “Twelve.” She paused when Emily turned toward her.  Emily had a ‘kill ’em all’ expression written all over her face.  She quickly added, “And two pairs of Louboutins.”

"Four.” 

“Done.”  Andy disappeared back into the dressing room. 

Emily took a deep cleansing breath and then another.  She turned her attention back to Casey and Olivia.  “So, sports?” 

“Yeah, Casey is the prized pitcher of the SVU softball team.  Me?  I just cheer her on.  It’s safer for everyone that way.” 

Gail leaned around Holly and offered her hand to Olivia.  “Gail Peck, Toronto PD and all around sports klutz.  This is my wife Dr. Holly Stewart, all round sports fiend.” 

Olivia shook both their hands.  “Nice to meet you.  Let me guess, softball and hockey?”  

“Yup.” Gail popped the ‘p’. “And golf." 

“YIKES!” Olivia nodded her head in sympathy. 

“Gail, c’mon.  I took you to the batting cages once… ONCE.  The bat got farther than the ball.  I’m the one playing hockey and I thought you did okay in golf.” Holly offered. 

“I should have done outstanding.  The ball just sits there.  It isn’t flying at my face at a bazillion miles an hour.” 

“I once beaned a kid playing miniature golf.  The ball took a wrong carom off a dinosaur’s butt and… **WHAM!** He dropped like a box of rocks.” This from Lindsay. 

Jane scoffed, “How can you look like that… well… me and be such an inept mess at sports?” 

“I do not look like you.  I’m older, so you look like me.  Although I really don’t understand why.”  

“You were born first - that makes you older, Sherlock.” 

“Not that, smartass. I know why Abbie and I look alike. We’re cousins. Our mothers are twins.  That doesn’t explain you.”  A thought popped into Lindsay’s mind and she quickly turned to Root.  “By the way, speaking of lookalikes… do I know you?  I got the feeling when you introduced yourself earlier that you look familiar.” 

“I get that a lot.” 

“No, really.”  Lindz racked her brain.  “I got it. You look like this annoying freshman nerd I knew in high school.”  

“I’m not from around here.” 

“Neither am I.” 

“I’m not from around there either.”  Root deadpanned and enjoyed the look of puzzlement on Lindsay’s face. 

“Well,” Jane addressed Lindsay in defense of Root, “they say everyone has a double.  Look, I’m not from around there either.  We look alike, but I was born and raised in Boston.” 

“Yeah, we can tell by your accent,” Root snarked and rolled her eyes. 

Suddenly Lindsay, Jane and Root all began talking over each other.  Soon Olivia and Cindy joined in. Emily held her microphone under one arm and began rubbing her temples.  She shook her head as if deciding on something.  “Here,” she handed the microphone to Holly. “You look to be the sanest of the bunch.  You get them all introduced. I need a break.”  Emily exited off the stage. 

Emily stepped just offstage out of sight of the audience and behind some leftover stage props.  She could hear Lucy and Janet talking on the other side.  

“Poor Emily.” Lucy shook her head in disbelief. “She seems to be getting hit from all over.  If I didn’t know any better I swear she was being targeted for some reason.” 

“Yeah, I know.  What’s up with Abbie Carmichael? Heckling Benson I can understand.  Or her cousin maybe.  But I didn’t think she even knew Emily.  It’s not like they run in the same circles.” 

 _'Abbie Carmichael? Abbie Carmichael?’_ Emily racked her memory.  Then her eyes widened in recognition.  She moved up a few steps so that the other two could see her.  She pointed to Lucy.  “Come with me.”  Lucy started to open her mouth to object, but closed it again in a hurry when she saw the fire in Emily’s eyes.  “Not a suggestion.”

Lucy took her headset off and handed it to Janet.  “Take over for a few, okay?”  She turned. “Lead on,” and followed Emily out the door.  

Back on stage, Holly looked gobsmacked.  It took a moment but she was well acquainted with public speaking so she dived right in.  Holly stood and exited her booth.  “Guys?  Guys?”  She looked at all the contestants and tried to get their attention.  When she made eye contact with the attorney, Casey held up one hand and brought it to her mouth. She whistled loudly and everyone stopped talking. 

“Thank you.”  Holly then addressed the crowd. “Hi - my name is Holly Stewart.  I’m a doctor.  Well, a forensic pathologist in Toronto.  I guess Emily lucked out here.  I do actually know all the rest of the contestants.  This beautiful lady is Constable Fourth Class Gail Peck of 15 Division in Toronto AND the love of my life.”  Holly leaned over and gave her a kiss on the cheek.  “Hello, wife.”  Gail waved.  “We will be playing for [Evergreen](http://www.evergreen.ca/).  It’s a charity in Toronto that teaches disadvantaged folks to grow their own foods.”  She grinned. “Gail is hoping they find a way to grow cheesy puffs on trees.” Holly thought for a second. “Oh, we never did hear.   Olivia and Casey, what charity are you playing for?” 

Casey grabbed Olivia’s hand.  “We are playing for a charity near and dear to our hearts.  We both work for SVU.  That stands for Special Victims Unit.  We typically investigate crimes involving sexual assault, the very young or the very elderly.  Well, any crime loosely connected with any of the three, most of which are considered especially heinous.” 

Olivia then interjected, “We are playing for the [Joyful Heart Foundation](http://www.joyfulheartfoundation.org/).  This is an organization that helps victims heal. It helps educate and empower survivors of rape, domestic violence and child abuse.” 

“That’s awesome.”  Holly agreed.  While she turned to the next couple, Gail leaned over to talk to Olivia. 

“Detective Benson?” Gail covered her mic and asked quietly, “Do you think we can talk later? I would like to learn more about SVU and how to better handle victims.” 

“You bet.  Anytime.  Are you staying a few more days?  Maybe we can get together for dinner?”  She turned to Casey who nodded her agreement.  

“That would be terrific.  Thank you.”  Gail turned her attention back to her wife who stepped over to the next booth and was now announcing the next couple. 

“I know both of these women via a common friend.  I worked for a short time in San Francisco, and met one of their premiere medical examiners, Dr. Claire Washburn.  Through her, I met this motley crew of women.” 

“At least she didn’t call us a….” Cindy went to whisper in Lindsay’s ears only to hear the exact same phrase called out from the audience. 

“At least you didn’t call us a club!” 

“Is that you, Jill?” Holly grinned, her eyes scanning the audience, and finally finding her sitting next to Abbie Carmichael. “How’s my….” She looked over at Gail. “… second favorite blonde?” 

“I dunno, Hols - how is Gail? I, for one, am mighty fine,” came the snarky reply back. 

“Watch it, Bernhardt,” Gail growled back. “I know where you live.” 

“Come and see me anytime, dear.  But bring the gorgeous wife.  Smooches.” 

Gail peered at Holly.  “Where do you collect these people?  First Dr. BoobJob and now Jilly McLips.  Are you hiding any other crazies you’re going to spring on me?” 

Holly looked adoringly at Gail, “I travel all over the country for my job now, and we are in a room full of professionals.  What do you think the odds are…?” 

“I’m toast.” 

“I love you, honey.” Holly gave Gail her best lopsided smile, then continued on. “Where was I? This is Inspector Lindsay Boxer of the San Francisco Police Department and award winning journalist Cindy Thomas of the San Francisco Register.”  She gestured to them. “Charity and then would you like to tell us about yourselves?” 

Cindy answered first.  “We will be playing for [Kids Enjoy Exercise Now](http://www.keensanfrancisco.org/).  We both volunteer there.  It’s an organization that provides recreational opportunities to developmentally and physically disabled kids at no cost to their families.” 

“Wow.  That’s wonderful.” Holly smiled, and with a mirthful twinkle in her eyes added, “So, Inspector Boxer, tell us about yourselves.” 

Lindz peered around Holly, and bellowed out to the audience. “Shut up, Abbie.” 

“I didn’t say anything, Lindz.” 

“You were going to; I know you.” 

“What did you think I was going to say?” 

“You were going to make a comment about Cindy’s age.” 

“Or lack thereof.  Thanks for doing it for me.”  The smirk was evident in her voice. 

Lindsay slapped her forehead. “Suck it, Ace.” 

“That’s what she said.”  

“If you don’t stop, I’m telling Alex!” 

The audience watched, amused by the additional floorshow. 

“I’m telling Alex; I’m telling Alex,” Abbie mimicked back.  “Alex is not the boss of me.” 

Cindy made a show of handing a cellphone to Lindsay.  “Hello?”  She held up one finger to silence everyone while she listened.   “Uh huh.”  She paused. “Yeah, that’s exactly what was said.”  Lindsay shook her head.  “Okay, I’ll tell her.”  Lindsay held out the phone so the caller could hear everything. “Hey Ace!  Alex said she is too the boss of you.  Oh, and you have a sleepover date with the couch this week.” 

“Alex?  But honey….” Abbie called out. 

Lindsay cut in, “But honey nothing; she said she will talk to you when you get home.”   She raised the phone back to her ear. 

The audience ooohed.  

Abbie crossed her arms and slouched back in her seat.  

“Okay, I’ll tell her.  Later, Alex.  Bye.”  Lindsay disconnected the call and handed the phone back to Cindy. “Oh, moron cousin of mine? Alex also said to tell you to stop pouting and sit up straight.” 

The audience roared. Max felt her phone vibrate and looked down at the message.  She grinned and waved the twins over to let them read it.  They both immediately nodded their heads.  

“Did I miss anything?” Lucy returned back to her position just offstage and Janet handed over the headset.  

“I’ll tell you later,” Janet replied.  “Everything okay?” 

Lucy nodded, “Oh yeah.”  Her phone vibrated and she took a quick look at the screen.  She grinned evilly.  A quick glance at the back of the theater, and then she turned her attention to the stage. 

Lindsay addressed Holly’s original question.  “I am Lindsay Boxer.  I’m a homicide Inspector for the San Francisco Police Department.  I’m the younger cousin of that idiot out there who keeps heckling everyone.  Her normal handler, God help her, apparently let her eat too much sugar before she got here, OR we can go with insanity runs in the family.  Her side.  Pick whichever one works for you.“  She turned to her left.  “This is Cindy Thomas, pesky but award winning newspaper writer, and my favorite person to arrest for jumping crime tape.” 

“Personally, she probably just enjoys the handcuffs. I know I would.”  Root interjected.  “You can arrest me anytime, tall, dark and beautiful.” 

“Root!?!”  Shaw groused. 

“Yes, Sweetie?” 

“Do you think you could tone it down a notch or twelve?” 

“Well, you know how much enjoyment I get from….” 

Sameen put a hand on Root’s mouth to cut her off and gave her the most intimidating glare she could muster.  Root just tilted her head and she could feel the smile beneath her hand.  “When did I lose the upper hand?” she mumbled as she looked skyward and shook her head. 

Root removed the hand. “You never had it, but you keep trying, Sweetie.”  Root leaned over and kissed Shaw’s nose. 

Shaw narrowed her eyes. “I. WILL. END. YOU.” 

“Counting on it.” Root smiled broadly. 

“Ahem, so Cindy….” Holly started again, only to see Cindy blushing and gesturing to move along to Jane and Maura.  Holly turned and addressed the last couple, “Our last contestants are Detective Jane Rizzoli and Dr. Maura Isles, Chief Medical Examiner for the Commonwealth of Massachusetts.” 

“Hello again, Holly,” Maura stood and gave Holly a hug.  Jane shook her hand.  They both settled back into their seats. 

“First off, what charity did you choose?” 

“We will be playing for the [Greater Boston Food Bank](http://www.gbfb.org/).  Their mission is to provide at least one meal per day to anyone who needs one.” 

 “That’s awesome.  Now, I know this story, but Jane, please tell everyone how you met.” 

“Well, I was in the drug unit at the time, working undercover, and I stopped at the precinct café before my shift to get something to eat.  I realized that I didn’t have any money.  I was trying to convince the café manager to let me pay him after my shift but he was being his obnoxious self.  Maura thought I was a real hooker and offered me the money to cover the food. She told me to eat yogurt and leafy greens since my ‘night job’ was apparently killing my health.” She looked over at Maura. “I had no clue who she was either, and we argued a bit. She gave as good as she got.” She paused a second.  “The next time I saw her, Maura walked into my crime scene looking like she just stepped off the pages of a fashion magazine. Y’know, like right out of Vogue.” 

“Ooooooooooooh,” the audience groaned. 

“Oh no you di’int,” Caroline Priestly yelled out from the back of the room.

“I’m telling Mom,” Cassidy added and started texting. 

“What?  What did I say?” 

Maura blushed, and shook her head. "Oh, Jane; oh no." She looked up at the audience. "She really doesn't know. She more of a Sports Illustrated reader." Then added quickly, "And not just the swimsuit issue." 

Scud queued up the funeral march.  

"Maura?" Jane whispered. "That’s your ringtone. Why are they playing that?"  Maura just looked at her with sympathetic eyes.  "I'm in trouble, aren’t I?" Jane cringed. 

It didn’t take but a moment for Miranda to appear from the wings.  Lucy Diamond walked closely behind. 

Miranda stopped just to the left of Jane.  She held out her hand and Lucy placed a magazine in it, then exited back offstage.  Miranda quickly popped Jane on the head with it. 

“YOW!” Jane rubbed her head.  “What was that for?” 

“What have I ever done to make you treat me so disrespectfully?”  Miranda spoke in her best Vito Corleone voice.  “I take care of you; I treat you to all the good things and you, you go and say the V word?”

“What?  I can’t say Vo…. OWWW!” Jane got hit again with the magazine.  “Okay, okay.”

Miranda addressed the audience, “Signore, prego me dicono….  What should she have said?”

“RUNWAY!” was the crowd’s answer.

Miranda handed Jane the magazine.  Then leaned in and whispered something in her ear. Jane just shook her head in agreement.  Then clasped the magazine to the chest.  She took Miranda’s hand and kissed her ring, then winked at Miranda.

“Gratzie, gratzie.” Miranda walked off the stage waving at the audience. 

As she passed by Emily, Miranda arched an eyebrow.  Emily just smiled and waved her off. “Had to go to the loo.”  Miranda didn’t believe it, and decided to talk to Andy.

Xena looked offstage, and caught Lucy’s attention. She arched an eyebrow in inquiry.  Lucy just gestured back with a thumb’s up. 

Emily headed out to center stage to take back over from Holly.  Holly greeted her, and then leaned in and whispered, “Are you okay?”

Emily nodded.  “Yes, thank you.  I appreciate you stepping in like that.”

Holly gave her a hug.  Emily stiffened for a moment, and then returned the hug.  “Go get ’em.”  Holly returned to her seat next to Gail.

Emily turned back to the audience, “Now where were we?”  She paused a moment.  “Sports.”  She turned to Jane.  “So?”

Jane replied eagerly, “I play softball, basketball and I run.”  She gestured between herself and Maura. “We actually completed a Boston Marathon.”

“Maura?” Emily questioned. “What about you?”

“I play tennis and I run.  Oh, and I fence.”

Jane held a hand up to her lips and mockingly said in a loud whisper, “Not a sport.”

“Yes, it is.”

“Oooh, that’s a sport I’d try.  Sharp pointy things,” Gail interjected. “Sounds like fun.”

“You don’t know the half of it,” Xena added to the conversation.

“You fence too?” Gail asked.

“No, my sword is a bit bigger than an epee, and I wouldn’t call what I do with it fencing.”

“Ooh, can you…?”

“No, you need to walk before you can run. I’m sure Doctor Isles will be happy to show you the basics.”

Gail, a happy grin splitting her face, turned to Maura.

“I don’t have any of my equipment here, but you know that you and Holly are welcome anytime in Boston.”

“COOL!”

Holly laughed at Gail’s enthusiasm for a sport. “Maura, just promise me that you will return her intact.  No slicing and dicing parts off of her. Some of those parts are important. Plus, I kinda like her the way she is.”

Maura giggled. “I can promise only that I will not slice and dice parts off. What she does to herself, well….”

Jane crossed her arms.  “Not a sport.  Baseball, hockey, football, basketball - those are sports.  Poking someone with a pointy thing is not.”

“That’s what….”

“Oh, shut up, Carmichael.”

Maura ignored the outburst and addressed Jane’s comment.  She just shook her head.  “Emily, we have this argu… disagreement all the time.”

Casey called over.  “So Boston?  Red Sox fan?”

“You know it.  Best team ever.”  Jane thought for a second.  “Oh, no.  You’re a New Yorker.  Let me guess… Yankees?”  She made gagging noises.

“Oh, hell no,” Casey replied.  “I love the Sox. ”  She paused and her eyes started to twinkle. “Especially, when they play my Mets.   ’86 Series ring a bell?”  Casey smirked. “Sure did ring Buckner’s bell.”

“HEY!?!”  Jane narrowed her eyes. 

Emily looked between them.  “Okay, so your favorite is the Red Sox and yours is the Mets.   What about the rest of you?”

Jane quickly answered, “Not just the Sox, I also like the Bruins.”  She looked at Casey.  “Let me guess - Rangers?”

“Yes, Ma’am; I bleed Ranger blue.”

“And they certainly bleed a lot of red when they play my Flyers,” Shaw quipped, and Casey scowled.

“What about you, Olivia?” Jane asked.

“I try not to bleed at all.”

“Up top,” Gail leaned over and high-fived Olivia.

“Holly?” Jane inquired.  “Since you are from Toronto, you must be a Leafs fan.”

“Actually, no.  I’m a Blackhawk’s diehard.  For baseball, I’d have to go with the Blue Jays though.”

“Cindy?”

“I prefer football and I’m a ‘Niners’ fan.”

“Lindsay?”

“The ‘boys all the way.”

“Oooh, I love the Cowboys.”

“Ah ha!” Lindsay exclaimed and pointed a finger.

Root continued, ignoring Lindsay’s interruption. “Especially, the cheerleaders in those itty bitty outfits.  I just love those cheerleaders.” A thought occurred to her and she turned to Sameen.  “Yep, my little firecracker here would be a killer cheerleader.”

Shaw glanced sideways at her and mumbled, “ _Killer_ is right.”

“Oooh,” she added with delight. “Sweetie, you would look positively delicious in that outfit. The halter.  The vest.  Ooh, the itty-bitty shorts and the boots. Can I get you one?”

“No, Root.”

Root leaned down and whispered, “Not even the chaps?”

“They... don’t... wear... chaps,” Shaw spit out through gritted teeth.

“Even better - less to remove.”  Root smiled evilly.

Emily cleared her throat, “Uh huh, okay, Xena? Gabrielle?”

Xena and Gabrielle both made shooing motions and declined an answer.  Emily turned to Barbara and Helena.  She cocked an eyebrow in inquiry.  Helena and Barbara both just shook their heads and waved Emily off.  

“All right then.  We seem to have gotten the introductions out of the way finally.  So how about we start the game?  Lucy, would you please escort one person from each couple offstage?  As soon as your partners are situated in the isolation booth, those of you remaining onstage will find your questionnaires popping up on your tablets. Please answer the questions as quickly as possible.  You may be as precise as you wish. However, note that preciseness may work for you but may also work against you in the game. Your answers must match exactly.”

 

 


	5. THE JOKER’S WILD

As Lucy took a set of contestants offstage, Emily filled in the audience with the game particulars.

“As you know, our couples will be playing for charity.  Just for participating, their charities will receive a thousand dollar donation.  Each time a team advances to the next round they will receive another thousand dollars.  For each point they score in the game, the charities will receive an additional one hundred dollars.  In rounds one and two, correct answers are worth five points each.  We will eliminate two couples at the end of each of those rounds.  The remaining three couples will play for the championship.  In round three, each correct answer is worth ten points.  For the very last question, couples will be allowed to wager any amount of their points on that one single answer.   The overall winner will get twenty-five thousand dollars for their chosen charity.  In addition to the money donation, Runway will be donating a spread in a future issue to the winning charity.” 

Emily paused as the audience applauded.  Her attention was drawn to the person entering from offstage.  Andy moved in close to Emily and leaned into the mic she was holding.  

“Em!?!” she chided. “You forgot about the stuff.” 

“Stuff?  Seriously Andy?  You call it stuff?  Miranda would be so proud.”  Emily snarked and rolled her eyes. 

“Fine, fine,” Andy said nodding her head. “You forgot to tell them about the prizes, the loot, the swag.” She dragged out her next word. “The boooo-tay that the couples are going to get.”  Emily gestured for Andy to continue.  “All participating couples will receive a swag bag filled with awesome items from Runway’s beloved advertisers.” 

“And,” Emily added, “the winning couple will also receive, courtesy of Runway itself, a trip to the City of Lights.” 

“Vegas?” 

“No, Las Vegas is not the famous City of Lights. Las Vegas is known as Sin City.” 

“Probably since it has no lights.” Andy replied, cheekily. 

 **SQUELCHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH**  

Emily bonked Andy on the head with the microphone. 

“HEY!?!” 

“I’m talking about….” She paused to sigh. “Paris.” 

“Ooooooooh.”  Andy nodded her head. “That could be fun too.” 

Emily glared at her. “Fun too?  Fun too?” 

Andy shrugged and winked at Emily before making her way back offstage.   Andy waved at Lucy who was leading the contestants back to their booths. 

“Everybody ready?  Let’s play.”  

Janet came out onto the stage with a tray.  She walked from one booth to the next letting each couple see the contents.  Janet left the tray on the edge of the last booth and exited the stage. 

Emily walked over and stood between the first and second booths.  She looked disdainfully at Helena who smiled sweetly and waggled her eyebrows.   “Our first question, if you are playing Monopoly, which token would your partner choose for herself?”   Emily pointed up to the giant monitor.  “We asked them to choose from these eleven tokens.”  Up on the monitor flashed pictures of a shoe, an iron, a battleship, a horse and rider, a bag of money, a dog, a cat, a race car, wheelbarrow, a thimble and a top hat. 

“So Xena, which token would Gabrielle pick?” 

“Well, I have to guess the money bag, since she handles the finances.” 

“Gabrielle?” 

Gabrielle signed a bit as her contrary answer appeared on the screen. “That part is true, but for myself, assuming I got to pick my token first, I would have picked the horse and rider.  Once upon a time I had a horse called Handsome.  It was the only time I had a tall, dark and handsome in my life.” 

The audience ooohed, and Xena looked stricken. 

Gabrielle just shook her head.  She pointed at Xena.  “This is not tall, dark and handsome.  This is tall, dark and gorgeous.”  She leaned over and kissed Xena’s cheek. 

“Okay, well let’s see if you can still salvage some points here.  Gabrielle, what token would Xena pick for herself?” 

“As I mentioned, I would have picked the horse only if I got to pick first.  Otherwise, I know that Xena would have picked him for herself.” 

Xena’s answer popped up on the monitor and it was a match. 

“That means you still scored five points. Moving on….”  She turned to the next booth.  “Hel-en-a?” 

“Em-il-ly?” 

“What token would Barbara choose?” 

Helena buffed her fingernails on her shirt. “Piece of cake; she would choose the race car.” 

Barbara looked adoringly at Helena as her answer appearing on the monitor proved her partner right. 

“Why a race car?” 

Both of them answered together.  “Because there isn’t a motorcycle token.”  Then they dissolved into giggles. 

“Wow.” Emily uttered, impressed. 

“Barbara, which token would Helena choose?” 

Barbara looked over at Hel, and then mimicked the same nail buffing gesture.  “Cat.” 

Again the answer appearing on the monitor proved to be a match. 

“Correct and you get ten points.”

"So, what kind of a cat are you?”  Emily chided. 

“A wild predator huntress.  A lion.” 

“Lyin’ is right.“  Barbara snorted.  “More like a domestic, couch hogging, eating machine. Garfield.” 

Helena put her hand over her heart.  “I’m hurt.”  She thought for a second. “It’s all true, but still….” She leaned her head on Barbara’s shoulder.  “Can we have lasagna for dinner?” 

Barbara just laughed and shoved her partner back to her side of the booth. 

Emily next approached Shaw and Root. “Root?  What token would Shaw choose?” 

“The gun.” 

“There is no gun token in Monopoly.”  Emily corrected. 

“There is in our game.  We lost some of the pieces, so we use the tokens from Clue as well.” 

“You need to pick another from the list.” 

“No, I think I will stick to my gun, so to speak.”  Root smiled at her own pun. 

Emily shook her head incredulously. “Fine. Let’s see what Sa… Shaw said.” 

“Oh, come on!” Emily pointed to the monitor that clearly stated ‘gun’.  She beckoned Shaw to explain. 

Shaw shrugged.  “Like she said.” 

“Okay, okay.  Five points for a correct answer.” Emily scratched her nose. “What would Root choose?” 

“Iron.” 

“Seriously?” 

Shaw nodded.  “There isn’t a taser token, and we prefer zipties to rope.” 

The answer appeared on the monitor.  It was a match. 

“You do not look like the domestic type.  An iron, really?” 

“Emily, irons are good for way more fun things than taking wrinkles out of fabrics.“  She turned to Shaw and grinned.  “Isn’t that right, Sameen?” 

Shaw just crossed her arms and rolled her eyes. 

“Ten points for you.”  She turned to Casey and Olivia.  “All right, Casey - what token would Olivia choose?” 

“Liv always chooses the race car.” 

Olivia kissed Casey’s cheek as her matching answer showed on the monitor.  “Yes!” 

“You two obvious play this game a lot.” 

“Well, yeah, but a house rules version of it anyway.” 

“Casey….”  Olivia admonished in hope that Casey would not further explain. 

Casey continued on. “We call it Moan-opoly, and it’s a strip version.” 

Olivia face palmed and mumbled, “Three… two….” 

“Benson, you horndog.” 

“Shut up, Abigail.” 

“So, Olivia, what token does Casey choose?” 

Olivia closed her eyes; she knew what was coming the second she answered. “Top hat.” Then she followed quickly with “Don’t even think it, Abbie!” 

“So Casey is a top, you say, Benson?” 

“Top… Hat, Abbie. Top hat.”  Liv said through gritted teeth. 

Casey put her hand on Liv’s arm and leaned over and whispered something in her ear.   Olivia immediately calmed down.  This did not go unnoticed by Abbie. 

“Whipped!” 

“Yep, and you should be so lucky, Abbie.” Olivia answered.  “Can we move along, please?” she directed her question to Emily.  Emily looked down at the monitor that did show it as a correct answer.  “Ten points, and on to the next couple.” 

“So, Holly, what token would Gail choose?” 

“Like Helena, Gail is a cat.” 

Gail nodded her head as the answer was shown. 

“And Holly’s token would be?” this directed at Gail. 

“A dog.” 

This was also shown to be correct. 

Gail and Holly looked at each other, and then turned to Emily, grinning they spoke in unison, “Opposites attract.” 

“Ten points; moving on….” Emily moved down the line.  “Lindsay, what would Cindy choose?” 

“Like Benson and Novak, we have played before.” Then added, “But not a strip version.” 

Cindy mumbled, “Maybe we should.” 

Lindz did a double-take, then continued, “Cindy always picks the battleship; she has family in the Navy.” 

That answer was shown to be correct. 

“And Cindy, what does Lindsay choose?”   

“I have no idea why, but she always takes the thimble,” Cindy shrugged. 

“No, I don’t; I take the shot glass.”  Lindz argued back. 

“Shot glass? There is no bloody shot glass in Monopoly.” 

“Yeah, there is.”  She gestured for Jane to hand her the tray that was sitting on her booth.  Jane picked it up and handed it to Cindy who handed it to her partner.  “That one.”  Lindsay picked it up and held it out to Emily. 

“That is a thimble.” Then she muttered, “Dim bulb.” 

“Thimble?  One of those sewing thingies?” 

“Yes, it is, as you so eloquently put it - a sewing thingie that protects your finger.” 

“Ohhhhhhhhhhh,” Lindsay turned the token over. “I thought it was a fancy shot glass.”

“We need to ask our offstage Judge if she will allow that answer.  Judge?”

The monitor flashed an ‘X’.

“Sorry, the answer has been deemed incorrect but you still got five points for guessing Cindy’s choice correctly.  Now for our last couple.  Jane, what would Maura choose for her token?”

“Well, I’ve never played Monopoly with Maur, but I think I can give you a pretty good guess.  I’ll give you the short version but I’ll bet you get a longer one… the shoe.”

The answer appeared on Maura’s monitor.

“Yes, I would choose the shoe.  Although that token is not a flattering style for me or anyone else for that matter.  However, I do have a predilection for well-made footwear.  Especially if they are Italian.”

Jane coughed, “And other Italian things.” 

Emily ignored Jane and addressed Maura, “What token would Jane choose?“ She turned quickly back to Jane.  “You do know the difference between a shot glass and a thimble, right?”

Jane nodded, “Of course.  Everyone knows a shot glass holds way more liquor.”

“Jane!” Maura chastised.

“Maura?  Your answer?”

“Well, Emily, it’s true, we have never played Monopoly, but I am familiar with the origin, gameplay and rules. In addition, I do not like to guess.  I prefer to use logic and reasoning to come to valid conclusions.  Knowing Jane as I do, I can reasonably narrow down the possibilities. However, I was still left with two possibilities.  One is based on a childhood fantasy and the other on one of Jane’s adult fantasies.  Given that this is a game, but Jane is an adult… I would have to choose the race car.

Jane sighs. “Aw, Maur… Walter, Maura, Walter.”

Jane’s monitor displays the answer as horse and rider.

“Oh my.  That was my other choice. It was a childhood fantasy.”

“You named your imaginary horse, Walter?” This from Lindsay, who then added while chuckling, “Was it a unicorn?”

“No, he wasn’t imaginary.  He was real.  Somewhere.  Just not living in my backyard in Boston. He was supposed to be a thoroughbred - a beautiful, sleek burnt umber with a tiny white star on his nose and dark brown, almost black eyes.  Striking classic chiseled features.  Lean with powerful shoulders and haunches that lead down to impossibly long legs.  And fast.   You just could look at him and tell he would be a dynamic and powerful ride.”  She turned to Maura, who was busy raking her eyes up and down Jane.  “Maur, are you all right? You look flushed.”

“Is it hot in here?” She looked around. “Must be the lights.”  She subtly brought her hand up to her neck for a quick scratch.

 


	6. TO TELL THE TRUTH

Emily walked back to center stage.  “All right - let’s move on to question number two.  The question is… what did your significant other make for you the first time she made dinner for you?” The sound of hysterical laughter caught her attention and she turned to the second booth.  She watched as Barbara tried desperately to shush her partner, but it just incited Helena to laugh harder. 

“Well, we were going to start over there but I think I will give her a chance to calm down. We’ll start with one of the saner couples instead.“  Emily turned to Casey.  “So Casey, what did Olivia make the first time she made dinner for you?” 

Emily and the rest of the contestants’ heads whipped around at the new round of hysterical laughter from Helena.    

“Sorry,” Helena choked out through the giggles. 

Emily gave her a withering look and then turned back to Casey.  “Casey, you were saying?” 

“Well, Olivia wasn’t much of a cook back then, but she always tried.  She was going to cook Omelet and did cook chicken, but we ended up eating pasta.” 

Emily turned her gaze down to the ground and counted to five.  She then looked back at a bewildered Casey and smacked her on the head with the microphone. 

 **SQUELCH**  

“OW!?!” 

Olivia turned her head away and stifled a laugh.  Emily popped her on the head too. 

 **SQUELCH**  

“Hey!” 

“Let me get this straight….” She immediately added without turning to the audience, “Shut up, Abbie.”   She continued, “Olivia wanted to make an omelet but cooked a chicken and you ate pasta.”  Emily pointed between the Casey and Olivia. “You are supposed to be the **_saner_** couple.” 

“Well, there is this cute story….” 

Emily narrowed her eyes at Casey and Casey stopped talking.  “You’re going to have to pick one of them. “Your answer?” 

“Pasta.” 

Olivia nodded her head and the answer of ‘pasta’ pops up on the screen.  

Emily pointed at the Detective. “EXPLAIN…. NOW!” 

“I sent someone out to get me a chicken and, the little sh… um… smartass brought me a live chicken.”  Olivia threw her hands out to the sides. “I couldn’t kill a live chicken. That is just… no.”  Emily agreed with a nod.  “Anyway, I sent him out again and he finally brought me a packaged chicken I could cook.  So I named the live chicken Omelet and cooked the other one, but since things didn’t quite go as planned, we ended up eating pasta.”  

Emily looked between the two of them.  “Is there more to this story?” 

“No,” from Casey, firmly. 

“Yes,” from Olivia, reluctantly. 

“Are you going to tell us?” 

The couple looked at each other.  This time in stereo, “No.” 

Emily rolled her eyes and curtly replied, “Five points.  Moving on.” 

“So Holly, what did Gail make the first time she made dinner for you?” 

Before Holly could answer, Helena’s laughter interrupted. Emily stalked over to Helena who was holding her stomach from laughter.  “Helena?”  Emily choked out, through a clenched jaw. 

“C’mon, Emily, I’m dying here.  Can we go next?” 

“No.” 

“Yes?” 

“No.” 

“Yes?” 

“Do you really want to try this again, you lost last time.” 

“I think I figured out where I went wrong.”  She winked at Emily. “Yes.” 

“No.” 

“Yes.” 

“No.” 

“No.” 

“NO!” Emily smirked and walked back toward Holly’s booth.  “We are agreed, then.” 

“Dammit.” Helena grumbled as she sat back in her seat, crossed her arms and pouted. 

Emily walked back to the Canadians’ booth.  “So, Holly,” Emily started smugly, “What did Gail cook?”

"Gail has an unbelievable collection of self-created recipes all involving a certain junk food.   Most sound disgusting, but actually turn out very tasty.  She cooked Mac and Cheese with a topping of cheesy puffs.” 

Gail leaned over and kissed Holly’s cheek as the matching answer lit up on the monitor. 

“Five points.” Emily moved over to the next booth.  She looked over her shoulder at Helena, daring her to interrupt.  “Lindsay, you’ve heard the question….” 

“Chicken,” was heard coming from Helena’s direction.  Emily whipped her head around and glared, but Hel just made a zipping motion to her lips and grinned. 

Emily turned back to Lindsay and Cindy and then did a double-take back to Helena for one last glare.   Helena looked everywhere but at Emily. 

“Lindsay?” 

“Thomas’ famous lasagna.” 

Cindy smiled broadly as the matching answer showed on the monitor.  “Secret family recipe.” 

Emily nodded once and moved along to the next couple, Jane and Maura.  “Jane?” 

“Aren’t you going to read the question again?” 

“No, Helena,” Emily answered.  “Unlike you, the rest of these fine ladies have an attention span longer than a gnat’s.” 

“Longer than a gnat’s what?” 

“Oh, bloody hell!” Emily exclaimed.  She pointed a finger at Jane.  “Hold that thought.”   The Brit then marched back over to Helena and Barbara’s booth.  “Hel-en-a?” 

“Yes, dear?” 

Emily spoke deliberately each and every word. “What… did… Barbara… make… the… first… time… she… made… dinner… for…  you?” 

Helena mockingly clutched at Barbara’s arm.  “You are scaring me now. I dunno if I really want to say.” 

 **GROWL**  

“Okay, okay.  Geez.”   Helena sat up straight, smiled sweetly, looked Emily in the eyes and deadpanned,  “Reservations.” 

The audience broke out into laughter.  Emily handed the mic to Barbara and reached in to strangle Helena. 

“Barbara?  Aren’t you going to help me?” Helena spit out as she tried to dodge the Brit’s hands. 

“No,” she shook her head, “I don’t think so.”  Barbara addressed Emily.  “Please don’t kill Helena.  She is important to me.”  The two combatants stopped and Helena smiled adoringly at Barbara.  Barbara smiled back and continued. “At least not until I check and see if the life insurance has been paid this year.”  Emily barked out a laugh, and Helena’s brows knit in consternation.  Barbara continued, “Our answers are obviously not going to match; so, how about you continue on with the other contestants?”  She handed the mic back to Emily. 

Emily walked calmly back over to Jane and Maura. “Jane, you were saying…?” 

“I’m Italian.  We live to eat.  But she… she….” She pointed to Maura.  “She made me kale salad.  Thought that putting cranberries and walnuts in it would make it more edible.  WRONG!”  The brunette slid forward and the rant continued, “Then, you know what she did?” She didn’t wait for an answer. “I’ll tell you.  She made these little pizza thingies. Round polenta cakes with tomato sauce and cheese.” 

“Mmmm… cheese.” Emily moaned.

 “She lied to me.  They weren’t polenta… they were… quinoa.”  Jane threw herself back in the booth and sighed exaggeratedly.   “She lied to my stomach.“ 

“You ate them.” Maura replied. 

“Under duress.” 

“Don’t you mean under false pretenses?” 

“Yeah, that too.” 

Emily looked to Maura.  “Your answer?” 

“Kale salad and quinoa.”  The doctor pointed to the monitor, then addressed her partner.  “Not the first time you ate something disguised as something else and won’t be the last.” 

“What?!?” 

“Five points, a match.”  Emily then turned to go back to the other end.  She slowed down as she approached the second booth.  Helena jumped back as Emily feigned a quick grab at the brunette. Emily continued on to the first booth with an evil grin on her face. 

“Xena? What did Gabrielle make?” 

“Rabbit stew.” Then she added, “My all-time favorite.” 

“Rabbit?” Emily squeaked out. 

“We do a lot of rough camping,” Gabrielle answered quickly.  Gabrielle’s monitor showed the matching answer and she turned to Xena.  “I know the first meal was rabbit but all the other times, I mean, I thought your favorite was lamb stew. Or what about my chicken stew?  Or the beef stew?” 

“Gabrielle? Who did the hun… procuring of food?” 

“You.” 

“Right.  And you remember we spent a lot of time… ummm… camping… in some of really remote areas? Far away from any civilization.” 

“Yes.” 

“Where do you think I would be able to get chicken or really small quantities of lamb or beef?”  Xena watched as realization dawned on Gabrielle.  “It was **_always_** rabbit.” 

Gabrielle bit her lip and looked sheepishly away. 

“All right, now to the last couple for this question.”  Emily advanced to the third booth, ignoring Helena in the second booth.  “Root?” 

“Yes, Emily.” 

“Shaw? Cook?  First time?” 

“She sure can cook.  Hot and spicy or low and slow.  Keeps me satisfied. Mmm Mmmm.”  She winked at Emily and added, “In or out of the kitchen.  First and every time.”   The brunette leaned into Sameen, who answered with her patented eye roll. 

“Ahem.” 

“Oh, you meant cook food?” Root shrugged.  “Pancakes.”  

Sameen smiled and pointed down at the monitor.  It lit up with the matching answer of pancakes. 

“For dinner?” Emily questioned. 

“We were occupied at dinnertime and after dinnertime….”

“So she cooked you pancakes for breakfast?” 

“Lunch, actually. Sweetie’s got stamina.”

 

 


	7. TATTLETALES

"All righty, then,” Emily continued once the audience settled back down. “Let’s move on to the last question of this round.”  The Brit looked up and down the row of booths and finally decided where she wanted to start.  She approached Holly and Gail.  “I’m going to start here.”

Holly and Gail both smiled.  “Ready when you are,” Holly added, and Gail nodded along.

Emily looked down at her card and silently read the question.  She brought her hand up and pinched the bridge of her nose as she counted to ten.  “This should be good,” she muttered under her breath and then put a charming smile on her face as she looked to address the waiting couple. “Holly…?”

“Yes, Emily.”

“What nickname for Gail do you use in the bedroom, knowing it gets her engine revving?”

Holly turned and looked at Gail and then back at Emily. “Well, Gail has way more nicknames for me than I have for her.  I have been known to call her ‘Officer’ but I don’t think that is the correct answer here.   I have always gotten this cat to roar by simply calling her ‘honey’.”

Gail smiled toothily, as the matching answer appeared on the monitor. 

Emily turned to the blonde. “And you Gail, what do you call Holly?”   

“She’s right.  I have a nickname for Holly for every occasion; however, the one that always gets her going is ‘Lunchbox’.”

Emily stared in confusion. “Lunchbox?”  She glanced once between Gail and Holly and then again.  She looked at what she interpreted as an evil grin on Gail and narrowed her eyes.  She lowered her microphone and leaned in to talk to Gail quietly, forgetting that Gail was mic-ed. 

“Is this a euphemism?”

Gail decided to have some fun, she schooled her features and asked innocently, “A what?”

“A euphemism?”

“Rheumatism?”  She quickly looked at Holly and then down at her hands.  Holly got the message and glanced down at Gail’s hands that were signing ‘play along’.

“A euphemism.”

“Egotism?”

“Euphemism.”

“Embolism?”  Gail gave her a puzzled look.

“Euphemism.”

“Exorcism?”

“Euphemism.  Euphemism.  Euphemism.”  Emily’s voice growing in volume each time she repeated the word.  She spared a quick glare at Helena, who was laughing from a few booths away, and also realized that the audience was chuckling as well.  Her attempt to try to keep this off the mic failed miserably.

Emily held up one finger at Gail to stop her from commenting anymore.  She walked quickly over to Helena’s booth.  Helena had her eyes shut and was holding her sides laughing hysterically. 

**SQUELCH**

Emily plunked her on the head with the microphone.

“HEY!?!”  Helena shouted in surprise and she quickly stood up.  Emily backed up a few steps.

Helena felt a hand touch her shoulder; she looked down at it and then followed the arm to its owner.

“Et tu, Gabrielle?  Do you really think you can stop me?”

Gabrielle used the thumb on her other hand to gesture over her own shoulder.   Helena looked over at Xena who sat stock still with her arms crossed.  When their eyes met she saw nothing but ice. Xena raised one eyebrow.

Helena gulped and gave a tremulous smile.  She reached for the hand still on her shoulder and removed it gently.  She kissed it before letting it go.  “Sorry, G.”  Helena sat back down in the booth.  After another quick glance at Xena, she scooted closer to Barbara.

Emily stared down Helena for a few seconds and then walked back over to Gail and Holly.

Addressing Gail, she asked again, “So is it?”

“Is it what?”

“Are you daft?  You do know what that word means, do you not?  Is lunchbox a euphemism?”

“Yes… I mean no.”

Emily began tapping her foot in irritation.  “Which… is… it?”

“Yes,” Gail enunciated clearly.  “I know what it means.  But, no, I do not know what you think it is a euphemism for.” 

Emily stared at Gail who was just staring back blankly.

“For your….” She paused for a moment to pick an appropriate word.  ”... lady bits.”

“My what?” Gail then let realization show on her face. “My lady bits, my vajayjay, my whoohaw, my….”

Emily put her hand over Gail’s mouth and stopped her from adding anything else.  Gail pulled it off.  “Mine? I thought we were talking about Holly.” 

“We are talking about Holly.”

Gail stood up and with the additional height of the booth, towered over Emily.  “No, it is not a euphemism.”  Then she enunciated clearly, “Get… your… mind… out... of… the… gutter!”

Emily backed up a step and pointed between the two of them.  “But… you… she… lunchbox?”

Holly slapped Gail on the arm. “Sit down and stop being a brat, Gail.”  Holly held up the tablet to show that the answer was indeed correct and then began to explain.  “When Gail and I first met, it was at a crime scene.  I was carrying my forensics kit which is a square red bag resembling an oversized lunchbox.”

“Oh, I have one of those too,” Maura interrupted, “but mine is more like a tote.  Jane refers to it as my Doohickey and Dork bag.” 

“Maur….” Jane whined.

Holly laughed, then turned her attention back to Emily. “Anyway, since she didn’t know who I was or why I was about to trample the crime scene, she called me ‘Lunchbox’ to catch my attention.  I turned and found the most beautiful blonde in an ugly green poly uniform….”

“Badge bunny,” was coughed out simultaneously by Olivia, Lindsay and Jane, causing not only the audience to laugh but Gail and Holly as well.

Holly continued, “... with the most striking pair of blue eye looking at me.”  She sighed. “My heart flipped.”  She spared a glance at Gail who just smiled back. “I know it sounds weird, but it really isn’t the name that revs me up.  It’s the look on her face.  It’s the absolute look of adoration on her face.  Whenever she calls me that, she looks at me like I am her whole world.  And I wanna be.”   She gave Gail her special crooked smile.  “It worked then and it still works now.   That nickname has come to mean a lot to me.”

“You are my whole world.  You make me… better.”  Gail leaned in for a quick kiss.

“Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww…”

“Shut up, Bernhardt,” Gail and Holly said at the same time.

“All righty then, moving on.  Let’s go to Casey and Olivia.”  Then she added under her breath, “The only two sane people here.”

Casey and Liv turned their attention to Emily.  “So Casey, what nickname do you use to get Olivia’s engine going.”

Casey looked between Liv and Emily and confidently said, “None.” 

“Excuse me?”

“I don’t have a nickname for Olivia.  Well, for that anyway.  I don’t need it.”

“But….”

“Ooh, Benson.  What’s the matter?  Out of gas?”

“Shut up, Abbie,” Casey and Olivia both yelled at the same time.

Olivia raised her tablet up so Emily could see that she had answered ‘no nickname’ for the match.  “I don’t need a pet name, all I have to do is look in those gorgeous green eyes.”

Olivia leaned around Emily so she could address a specific person in the audience.  “You should be so lucky, Carmichael.”

Emily just shook her head and carried on, “So Olivia, same question.”

Olivia grinned and grabbed Casey’s hand.  “Casey seems to like ‘sweetheart’.”

Casey grinned and showed her tablet had that answer.  She looked over at Olivia.  “Say it again?”

“Sweetheart,” Liv leaned over and whispered in Casey’s ear. 

Casey sighed then leaned over to address the same bigmouth attorney that Olivia did moments before. Instead of saying anything though Casey just stuck her tongue out at her.

“Ooh Casey….” Abbie started to say and then shut up when Casey raised a finger and flipped her off.

Emily pinched the bridge of her nose, then just shook her head.  She turned and looked in both directions then made up her mind to bite the bullet.

As Emily approached the first booth she gave wide berth to the second one with the Gotham couple.  “Xena, what nickname does Gabrielle use to rev your engine?”

“As Detective Benson said, I really don’t need a nickname all I need to do is look in those beautiful green eyes.  But I know you need an answer.  For some reason, some time ago, she started calling me ‘ _tiger **’**_.  She could call me a lot worse, so….”

Gabrielle, grinned widely, then showed her answer and it did match.

“Five points for that correct answer.  How about you, Gabrielle, does Xena call you a particular nickname?”

“Well, Xena doesn’t usually call me anything other than my given name either. Once in awhile a ‘Gab’ might slip out but never ‘Gabby’.  If she called me that, I would think she was sick. 

“Answer?”

Gabrielle looked over at Xena and bit her lip in consternation. “She is gonna kill me for this.  I really like when she says my name all deep and grumbly.”

Xena closed her eyes tightly and cringed.  She held up her tablet to show she had written ‘my bard’ which was an incorrect answer.

“Well, it is apparent that Xena knows exactly what Gabrielle is talking about here,” Emily said to the audience.

“Yeah, I do,” Xena admitted.

“Can you demonstrate please?”

The warrior sighed and then leaned close to Gabrielle’s ear, then growled “Gabrielle.” 

Gabrielle swooned while the audience, who heard it thanks to the mics,  ‘ahhhhhhhhhed’.”

Emily fanned herself with the question cards.   “Oh my.  Do me.”

“That’s what she said,” Abbie shouted.

Emily turned and glared in Abbie’s direction, then turned back to Xena.

Xena looked deep into Emily’s eyes and rumbled, “Emily.”

Emily sighed and fanned herself faster.

“Ooh, me too,” Helena chimed in.

“Helena.”

“Xena.”

“Helena.”

“Xena.”

Hel-en-a.”

“Xe-na.”

Both brunettes stood up and removed their mics, then jumped over their respective booth fronts and onto the stage.  They continued the name calling as they moved, arms outstretched, toward each other in tiny exaggerated slow motion steps.  With each step the voices got deeper and enunciated slower.

“Hel-en-a.”

“Xe-na.”

“Hel-en-naaaaaa.”

“Xeeeeee-naaaaaaaaa.”

When Helena was just a half step away, she jumped into the warrior’s arms.  Her trust in her friend’s quick reflexes well rewarded by the catch.  Helena stared deeply into Xena’s baby blues.  Then she grinned, smooshed Xena’s cheeks together and kissed her on the nose with an embellished sound effect.

**MWAH**

“Nope, not doing a thing for me.”

“Me either.”  She dropped Helena back on her feet.

Helena looked over at Barbara and then turned back to Xena.  “I like redheads.”

Xena pointed at Gabrielle and smiled.  “Me too.”

Helena held out her hand.  “Sooooooooooooooooo, friends?”

“Sure,” Xena countered and shook her hand.  When the shake ended, she ruffled Helena’s hair.

“Hey!”  Helena whined.  She went to return the favor and got an evil stare.  The brunette turned and walked back to her booth whistling innocently.

Xena turned and went back to hers as well.  While Janet quickly rehooked their mics, Emily took a moment to decide which couple would be next.  She set her sights on the couple from San Francisco.

She only managed to go a couple of steps when….

**BAWK**

She stopped dead; not needing to turn around to know where the sound emanated.

**BAWK BAWK BAWK**

She pinched the bridge of her nose in frustration.  Then turned and stalked back to Helena.  The cheeky brunette quickly moved her hands from their chicken wing position and adjusted her posture to ramrod straight with her hands clasped on her lap.

“I take it you would like to go next?”

“That would be lovely, Ms. Charlton.  Thank you.”  Helena bowed her head in assent.

Emily threw up her hands, “Why not?  I’m easy.”

“That’s what she said.” 

“Thank you, Ms. Carmichael,” Emily sarcastically shouted back without turning around to the audience.  Emily held up a finger to stall Helena.  “However, I am going to ask Barbara first.  I’m sure you can just hold it in a few minutes longer.”

Helena narrowed her eyes at Emily, annoyed at being outplayed.   “Fine,” she pouted.

“So, Barbara,” Emily turned to the redhead. “What to you call Helena to get her engine revving?”

Barbara smirked a bit. “She is constantly purring, but to kick it into overdrive I just call her KitKat.”

Helena stuck her pierced tongue out and showed everyone that the answer was correct. 

Emily looked confused.  “First a lunchbox and now a candy bar.  You people are barmy.”  She then addressed Helena.  “So, Helena, what do you call Barbara to get her engine revving?”

Helena pretended to think it over for a moment.  “Well, she doesn’t look like the type that attracts a lot of nicknames and yet other people have called her…Barb, Barbie… ew yuk… Babs… double yuk… but hopefully not for engine revving purposes.  I have used the generic… sweetie, honey, darling and baby on several occasions.”

“Usually to get herself out of the doghouse,” Barbara interjected.

“Doghouse?  Doghouse?  If you are referring to me, wouldn’t it more likely be a cathouse?”   Helena realized her mistake the second she heard the gasp, then laughter from the audience.   “Okay, yeah, that was not what I meant.  I just meant because I have cat traits, not that I am actually a… you know… not that there is anything wrong… with being a… you know….”  She blew out a breath and took a shot at dodging the rapidly approaching bullet from the self-inflicted shot. “Can we get back to my answer, please?” 

Emily quipped, “Are you sure you do not wish to tell us more about your many experiences in a cathouse?”

Hel ignored the Brit and soldiered on, “As I was saying, while the generic terms are okay, my favorite is ‘Red’,” she gestured to Barbara, “for obvious reasons.” 

Barbara, knowing the answer she gave would match that, started to smile but then Helena continued.

“However, you see the whole sexy teacher/librarian look she has going…?” Helena continued to point at Barbara.

Barbara frowned a bit, not quite knowing where Helena might be heading with this but she knew it wasn’t going to be good.

Helena called Emily closer and then leaned over the front of the booth like she was sharing a secret.  She continued, “She really digs it.  Really loves it.  She r ** _eally likes_** to be called Ms. Gordon. You know what I mean?” 

“WHAT?!?” Barbara objected.

“Oh admit it, Ms. Gordon.”  Helena then added, “You just love wielding that ruler.  Granted, it isn’t the kinkiest thing you could pick.”  She exaggeratedly winked and chuckled at Barbara’s embarrassment.

Barbara quickly showed ‘Red’ as her answer that was immediately indicated ‘wrong’ and focused her ire back on the brunette.   “Well, since you seem to think that I enjoy my teacher persona a little too much, how about this?  You get detention - in this case that means sleeping on the couch - for two weeks.”

Helena almost got whiplash as she switched looking between a grinning Emily and a furious Barbara.  “But….”

“Three.”

“But, but….”

“A month.”

“But….”

“Shut up Helena,“ was shouted en masse by all the contestants.

Emily gave one more look at the despondent Helena and laughed as she stepped over to the next booth.  “So Root, what do you call Shaw that gets her engine revving?”

“My red hot little firecracker Ferrari here doesn’t need much.”

“Vroom, vroom!” Shaw interjected willingly.  “Ferrari, huh?”

Root shook her head to dislodge the musical ear worm that had just taken up residence and continued. “But when I kick in the Texas drawl….”

“AH HA!” Lindsay shouted.  “You admit it; you are from Texas.  I knew it.”

“AH HA!” Root mocked, then continued in flawless French, “J'aimerais avoir cette bataille d'esprit avec vous mais je n'aime pas me battre contre une personne non armée.”  **(** **I would like to have this battle of minds with you, but I do not like to fight against an unarmed person.)**

Gail, Olivia and Helena all barked out a laugh.  Maura offered an “oh my.”  

Root then smiled smugly.  “I also speak French but that does not mean I am a Parisian.”   

Lindsay looked at all four of them.  “Okay, yuk it up.  I don’t speak French, so what did she say?” 

Gail looked at the others and decided to help out the Inspector.  “Ummm, she just made a comment about your willingness to challenge her but she is not going to engage.” 

Olivia leaned over and fist bumped Gail.  “Nicely done.” 

Holly leaned in and whispered in Gail’s ear, “What did she really say?” 

Gail whispered the answer back, and Holly stifled a giggle. 

“Wuss,” Lindsay countered, directed at Root. 

“Douleur dans le cul,” Root muttered, which got a snort from Gail. **(** **Pain in the ass)**  

Lindsay caught Gail’s attention and just shook her head and said, “Y’know what? Don’t bother.”

“Root?  You were saying?” Emily attempted to get them all back on track.  

“Sameen likes when I call her ‘darlin’.”  She made sure to exaggerate the drawl and then licked her lips. 

Shaw tried her best to fight off the shiver the drawl inspired but one look at Root’s face and she just gave in.  She shook her head in agreement and showed that her answer matched. 

“Five points, so far.  Okay, Shaw, what do you call Root to get her engine going?” 

“Her engine is never not going.  You know the phrase ‘if you’re going to talk the talk, you’ve got to walk the walk’?”  She paused for a moment. “This woman is a walking, talking sexual innuendo and she is always willing to back it up.”  She gestured wildly.  “She is relentless.” 

Root just sat there with a huge grin on her face.  “Only with you, Sweetie.  You are irresistible. Can’t wait to drive… later.”  

“See?  See what I mean.  But if I really want to ratchet it up, all I have say is…‘zipties’.” 

Root showed her answer actually matched. 

“She calls you zipties?”  Emily inquired.  

“No, usually if zipties are involved, she calls me ‘Oh God’.” 

Emily turned away and began muttering to herself as she moved down to the last two booths.   “They are all bloody bonkers.  I can do this.  I can do this.”  When she finally looked up she saw a still frowning Lindsay Boxer and a pensive Cindy Thomas.

“Inspector, you know the question - what do you call Cindy?” Lindsay spared a glance at Cindy and immediately brightened, “I call her Lois Lane.” 

Cindy showed her answer matched but the enthusiasm for getting the points was missing. 

“Very good.  Cindy?” 

Cindy backed into the corner of the booth and tried to disappear.  “I was really, really hoping that this one wasn’t going to be one of the questions that got randomly picked.  But I did answer it and probably a little more truthfully than I should have…” 

“Cindy?” Lindsay asked with concern. 

“I probably should have gone back and changed it but there were so many questions and the odds of this one being picked were not overwhelming and….” 

“Oh, no.” Lindsay began to pray it wasn’t going to be as bad as she was imagining it. 

“Cindy, your answer?” “I don’t have one.  Yeah, I don’t have one.”  Cindy tried lying her way out.   

“Worse liar… EVER.” Jill shouted.  

Lindsay frowned. “Don’t help, Jill.” 

“I want to hear this, Lindz.” 

“No you don’t, Jillian.” 

“Yes, I really do, Lindsay.”   

Emily decided to move on.  “Cindy, your answer is entered on the tablet. We can access it with or without your help.” 

Lindsay frowned, sat back, crossed her arms and readied for the impact.  She knew this was going to be bad. 

Cindy mumbled, “Missed test.” 

Emily shook her head, “Now without the marbles in your mouth.” 

Cindy took a deep breath, slammed her eyes shut and said, “Mistress.” 

“WHAT?!?” Lindsay screamed.  

Jill and Abbie began to make comments but the roaring audience drowned them out. 

Lindsay did her best to become part of the booth and Cindy was trying to will herself to time-travel. 

“Let’s see if Lindsay’s answer matches.” 

“It doesn’t Emily, not even close.  Move along.”  Lindsay bit out and glared at the Brit. 

“Yes, Mistress.”  Emily smirked at the glare that was directed her way.  “All righty then, I will move on to our last couple.”  Emily stepped over.  “Jane.  Maura.  Please don’t make me repeat the question again.  So, Jane, you first.” 

“Well, I think that Root there is correct - ‘darlin’ is hard to resist.”   Jane smiled, sure in the thought that Maura was definitely on the same wavelength on this one. 

“Oh, Jane.” 

“Oh, no.  Please don’t  ‘oh, Jane’ me.  That could only mean that you disagree.”  She sighed. “I am about to get embarrassed, aren’t I?”  

“Maura, what is your answer?”  Maura held up the tablet and turned it to Jane, so she could read it.  Jane slapped her hand over her eyes. 

“That is Italian, is it not?” Maura nodded at Emily. 

Maura nodded at Emily. “Could you please read it for us?” 

“Amante focaccina.”

Gail and Olivia broke out into hysterics.  They were shaking with laughter.  Liv kept wiping tears from her eyes. 

“I don’t understand what is so funny, ” Maura stated.  “It is just a quirky nickname Jane gave me based on my daily morning ritual.  I like it.” 

Olivia and Gail started a new round of laughter at that remark.  

“Depending on the conformation, they can be fairly healthy eating.  Some contain anti-oxidants that are nutrients that support your immune system and give you energy.  Plus, they have protein, vitamins and minerals and just the right amount of sweetness.  I like starting my morning by eating one.”  Maura looked around the stage, bewildered at the fuss this answer seemed to be causing. 

Emily walked over to the law enforcement officers.  “Care to share with the class?” 

They each pointed at the other as they tried to catch their breaths enough to talk. Finally, Olivia calmed.  “It means... it means... muffin... lover.” 

The entire theater erupted and it took a few minutes to settle everyone back down.  There were still some small pockets of laughter in the audience.  Emily carried on and pleaded,  “Please, let’s finish this round.  Please?” 

“Jane?  What does Maura call you that gets your engine running?” 

Jane did her best to keep a calm demeanor, even though she knew that she would never, ever live this down.  Once Korsak heard about this, it would spread like a BOLO transmission.  She licked her lips nervously as she looked over at Maura.  “She really doesn’t have one for me, but since I had to give an answer for the game, I said ‘Jay’.  I do kinda like the sound of that.”  

Maura just shook her head.  “I’m afraid my answer doesn’t match that.”  

“Maur?” 

“Maura, what did you answer?” 

“Well, her nickname is also Italian...” 

“Oh no, no, no….” Jane whined. 

“The name?” Emily chided. 

“Oh, Maura, you didn’t.” 

“I had to give a truthful  answer.  You know I can’t lie, Jane.”  

“Maura, the answer, please?” 

Maura addressed the audience. “She really likes when I call her….” She took one more look at Jane. “Focaccina stallone.” 

Gail and Olivia were off and running again. 

Emily stalked over to Gail and Holly’s booth.  “You.”  She pointed at Gail.  “Share with the class... NOW!” 

“Peck!  Don't you dare.  I mean it.  I know where you live; Maura can help me dispose of the body.”  Jane called out. 

Gail looked at the Detective and attempted to stifle the grin.  “I'm married to a genius pathologist, dumbass.”  She thumbed her nose at Jane.  “This is just too good to pass up.  Emily, the phrase means….” 

“I'm warning you, blondie.” 

Gail cleared her throat, “Focaccina stallone means stud muffin.”  

The audience broke out in laughter and Jane immediately hid her face in her hands.  Through her fingers, her voice muffled, she asked, “How could you do it, Maur?  How could you do this to me?” 

Emily stood in the middle of the stage that had now broken out in absolute mayhem, mirroring the audience’s reaction.  Everyone in the theater was either laughing or shouting at someone else.  The Brit happened to glance off-stage to see Lucy frantically waving her over.   She quickly wandered over. 

“Everything is all set.  Get them out of this round and then….” 

Emily genuinely smiled for the first time all day.  Lucy smiled back - just not quite as evilly.

 

 


	8. YOU DON’T KNOW JACK

Emily stood in the wings talking to Lucy and waited for the audience and contestants to settle down a bit.  Seeing an opening, she stepped back out on stage and addressed the audience.  “Well, that was informative. “  The Brit looked up to the control booth and asked, “Could you give me the point totals, please?“ 

In the time it took for her to turn to the contestants, the points lit up on the booth monitors.  “Let’s see, shall we.”  She walked from one end to the other calling out the scores.  “Xena/Gabrielle fifteen points.  Helena/Barbara fifteen points.”   She stopped to address Hel, specifically. “That would be both hands and one foot.”   Emily grinned as Helena growled at her.  “Root/Shaw twenty-five points—good show!  Casey/Olivia also twenty-five points—bravo! Holly/Gail  twenty-five point—excellent.”  She slowed her approach to the last two booths. “Lindsay/Cindy fifteen points and finally, Jane/Maura with ten points.” 

“It seems that we have three couples tied for first place so you all will be going on to round two.”  Emily paused to allow time for the audience to applaud.  As it died down, Scud cut the lights over the three booths.  “Jane/Maura, you are definitely eliminated from continued participation, but you did earn two thousand dollars for the [Greater Boston Food Bank](http://www.gbfb.org/) and the bag of goodies from Runway Magazine.”  

“Thank you, Emily and thank you, Runway,” Maura acknowledged and then Scud cut the lights over their booth. 

“We planned to eliminate two couples from this round but we seem to have three couples in the second position.”  Emily looked to Lucy in the wings and she pointed skyward.  Emily mouthed, ‘God?’.  

Lucy shook her head no, but then shrugged and playfully agreed.  She mouthed back, ‘Amy’. 

“Oh.”  Emily then addressed the ether. “Judge? Amy? How do you want to handle the elimination?” 

“Oh, wow - yeah, okay.  Let's do an elimination round.  How about we ask one person from each of the tied couples to answer a question?  If they get it right, they continue on.  If they get it wrong, they are eliminated." 

“And the question will be?” 

“Lucy? Pick one, ‘kay, hon?” 

“Yes, dear,” Lucy answered dutifully.  Lucy shuffled the question cards and held them out to Janet.  “Pick a card, any card.”  Janet chose one and handed it back to Lucy.  She read it and then walked it out to Emily.  “Here you go.”  She handed it over, mockingly curtsied, and made her way back off-stage. 

“Xena and Gabrielle, Helena and Barbara and Lindsay and Cindy, “ Emily tapped her chin in thought, “Which one of each of the couples do I want to choose to answer the question, hmmmmm?”  She thoroughly looked them over and made up her mind.   “Let’s start down on this end, shall we?”  

Lindsay and Cindy nervously smiled as Emily approached.  Lindsay was fidgeting in her seat.  

“Lindsay?” 

“Ummm, yeah.” 

“If Cindy was reincarnated as an animal, what would she be?” 

Lindz breathed a sigh of relief.   _At least it isn’t going to be embarrassing,_ she thought.  “Considering her red hair and her cleverness, I would say a fox.” 

Cindy frowned, a bit disappointed they were going to be eliminated.  She held up her tablet and showed the answer of ‘ferret’.  “Yeah, we were on a similar wavelength.  I just thought my trouble-finding ability outweighed the rest.”  She turned to Lindz.  “Sorry, honey.” 

“It’s all good, Cindy-Lou.”  The inspector smiled at her, and then leaned in and kissed her cheek. 

“Well, on the plus side, you have earned twenty-five hundred dollars for [Kids Enjoy Exercise Now](http://www.keensanfrancisco.org/) and you both will also receive the goodie bag from Runway.” 

“Thank you for everything. It has been an….”  Cindy looked at Lindz and shrugged. “An experience?” 

Scud cut the lights over their booth as Emily made her way to the other side of the stage.  “Eeeny, meeny, miney moe.”  She grinned ay Helena.  “So, Hel-en-a, what animal would Barbara be?” 

“Well, I could go a lot of different ways with this one.  She is wise like an owl, smart like a raven, graceful like a swan, regal like an eagle…” 

“Aw, Helena…” Barbara sighed and began to smile.  _Right track, so far._  

“You seem to be obsessed by birds.” 

“I’m a cat, it’s what I do.” 

“Chase and eat birds?” 

“Yeah, chase and… Oh no, you didn’t.”   Helena rebuked.   

“So, which one will it be?” 

“Woodpecker.” 

“What?!?” 

“What?!?  Barbara echoed Emily in surprise. 

“You know.  [ha-ha-ha-HA-ha](http://www.writtensound.com/index.php?term=ha+ha+ha+HA+ha) **.**   Woodpecker.   Hello?  Red-headed, duh.”   Helena said as if it was the most obvious answer in the world.  Helena sat back in the booth, proud of her answer. 

“Barbara?” 

“For a hot minute there, I thought she might actually finally connect the dots and GET IT.”  The last two words definitely directed at Helena.   “Right neighborhood Hel, wrong house.” 

“Huh?” 

“Emily, my answer was falcon.” 

Helena gave Barbara a dumbfounded look. 

“Helena, what is our little… ummm… club called?”   

“Oh... ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.”  She shrugged. “Whoopsie?”  Helena then bumped Barbara’s shoulder playfully. “Good thing I am cute, huh?  Gotta love me.” 

Barbara bumped her back a bit more forcefully. “Not that cute.” 

“Hey!” 

“I am so sorry to see you two go.  Not really.  I wish you well.  No, I don’t.  You earned twenty-five hundred dollars for [Art Works For Healing](http://www.awbw.org)  and the Runway swag bag.”

“Thank you, Emily. We do appreciate it.” 

“Hey, Emmy baby, any chance the bag will have _that_ dress in it?”  

“No.” 

“Yes?” 

“No.” 

“Yes?” 

“Really?” 

“Once more.  For the dress.” 

“No.” 

“Yes.” 

“No.” 

“Yes.” 

“No.” 

“No.” 

“NO!”  Emily smirked, “but you can always try wearing the bag.” 

“Damn!” Helena’s mic and the lights cut off mid-grumble. 

“Last couple.  Okay, Xena, if Gabrielle was reincarnated as an animal what would she be?” 

“I should say fox but I am going to say badger.” 

“What?” Gabrielle, knowing Xena was looking for a way out of the game, pretended to be offended.  “Badger?  Badger?  One of those little….” 

“Physically compact.” 

“… pointy nosed…” 

“Regally aquiline.” 

“… waddling…” 

“Powerfully gaited.” 

“… bad attitude…” 

“Competitively natured.” 

“… pig-headed…” 

“Tenacious…” 

“… aggressive…” 

“Fiercely protective.” 

“… weaselly…" 

“Creatively adventurous.” 

“… creatures?” 

“Uh, yes?” 

Gabrielle pretended to think about it for a moment.  “Okay,” she agreed.  She showed Emily her answer, which was ‘fox’.  “But I still would have picked ‘fox’ because they are cuter.” 

“I know.” 

“Well, that whole sudden death idea just went all to pot, didn’t it?  Xena and Gabrielle, you also are eliminated.  However, you also won twenty-five hundred dollars for [Habitats for Humanity](https://www.habitat.org/).  Please remind us again where you will be building soon.” 

“In a couple of weeks we will be building some houses in New Jersey.  We would love to have your help.”  

“Even if you have limited or no skills with power tools,“  Gabrielle added. “We can still use your help with painting and landscaping.  We will find ways for you to help.”  She smiled. “Please contact myself, Xena, or Lucy for more detailed information.”  

 

 


	9. CHAIN REACTION

“Okay, folks,” Emily addressed the audience. “We are going to lower the curtain and take a very short break while Lucy and Janet remove the unnecessary booths before we start round two.”  Emily looked over and pointed off stage.  

Her face took on a puzzled look when she saw Lucy, smiling broadly, gesture by running her finger down the side of her nose.  Emily tilted her head.  Lucy did it again.  When Emily showed no recognition of the sign, Lucy just gave her a thumbs up instead.   

Emily turned and addressed the audience again. “I have to admit that the last round did not exactly go according to plan.  We were only going to eliminate the bottom two teams but, what is that phrase you Americans use?  That’s the way the cookie crumbles.”

“Oooh, cookies… yum,” was yelled from off stage. 

Emily turned to the voice and mockingly threw her hands up in exasperation.

Andy made her way back on stage and over to the Brit.  “Emily, did you forget to tell them about dessert?”

“I was getting to that.”  Emily turned her attention from Andy back to the audience. “As a surprise treat, Runway has arranged a dessert party in the lobby for after the conclusion of the game.”

“Don’t forget to tell them it’s from Aunty Ann’s.”  Andy thought for a moment then added, “One of the top bakeries in the city.” 

Emily leaned over to  Andy. “How do you know?”

“How do I know what?”

“That they are the preeminent patisseries in the city?”

Andy arched an eyebrow at the Brit and put her hands on her hips.  “Show off.  You don’t believe me?”

“It isn’t as though you actually have discriminating taste.  I’ve seen you eat things that….” Her voice trailed off, and she shuddered.  Emily recovered and was about to start the rest of the announcement when Andy cut her off again.

“Be that as it may - in addition to the sugary, calorie and carb loaded tasty treats, there will also be a wide selection of beverages.  So once the game is concluded, you are invited to go and mingle and partake of all that heavenly goodness.”  Andy thought for a second. “There will be cakes, cookies, pies, cannolis, tarts, tortes….”

“How about some beignets?”  a voice in the audience called out.  House lights immediately went up.

“Gee, I don’t know.”  Andy pretended to be considering it.  “I don’t think any baker in New York could get those exactly right.” 

“Y’all got that right.”  A second voice called out from the audience.  Two ladies stood up.  The slightly taller of the two addressed the audience.    “Well, in that case, y’all are invited to our place,” she paused for a second, “Next year.”

“Ladies, this is Nikki Beaumont and her partner in crime…”

“Ahem.”

“…crime solving and life, Nora Delaney,” Andy introduced them and gave the audience a moment to applaud.  The ladies waved to everyone.  She then continued, “It is my honor to announce that the Twin Con will be hosted in The Big Easy, New Orleans next year.”

“NOLA, sugar, NOLA.”  Nikki gave her a dazzling smile. “A city with history.”

“Po’ Boys,” Nora added.

“Stunning architecture.”

“Crawfish.”

“Music.”

“Gumbo.”

“The French Quarter.”

“Étouffée.” 

“Riverboats.” 

“Pralines.” 

“And voodoo,” they both said together. 

“Okay, I could do without the voodoo but you had me at po’ boys,” Andy chimed in.  

“You and food.”  Emily rolled her eyes.

While everyone’s attention was on the stage, no one heard the soft knock on the lobby door.  Max cracked the door and poked her head out.  A quick conversation and she was back leaning against the door again.  She looked over to the twins and gave them a thumbs up, then waved at the stage.

Emily’s eyes widened and then then she schooled her features and continued her conversation with Andy.

“Match made in heaven.”  Andy smiled back at her.  “So remember - next year, New Orleans.  Looking forward to it.  Thank you, ladies.”

Nikki and Nora waved to everyone and took their seats again.

 

 

 


	10. WIPEOUT

“Yes, well - you need to go… shoo.”  Emily gestured for Andy to leave, and watched as she exited the stage.  As soon as Andy was completely off-stage, Emily turned back to the audience and added, “Let me give you a sneak peek.”  She waved at Max who opened and held the door as a bespectacled, tall blonde wearing traditional chef whites, entered, pushing a silver dessert cart.  “As you can see, all kinds of delectable treats.”  The cart roamed to various parts of the theatre so everyone could get a look at the exquisite baked goods samples on the shelves. 

Just as it finally reached the exit door, the house lights dimmed and the stage lights came up.  “Time to start round two,” Emily announced.   The curtain rose and Emily, with a devilish grin, addressed the contestants.  “I’m going to go easy on you.”

“That’s what she said,” was quickly interjected.

Both Casey and Emily yelled back.

“Shut it, Abbie!”

“Hush, Ms. Carmichael.” 

“Cam-mic-cal?”  The dessert cart attendant queried in a cute Portuguese accent as she looked around.  “Ab-be-gail  Cam-mic-cal? Is it really you, Ab-be-gail Cam-mic-cal?  Where?” 

Scud immediately turned up the house lights again. 

Abbie turned in her seat, and looked over.  “I’m Abbie Comical… Carmichael.  Do I know you?” 

“Ooooh, Ab-be-gail, it is you.”  The woman pulled off her glasses and tossed them aside.  She hurriedly threw herself into Abbie’s lap, and started petting her face. 

“Hey!?!” Abbie objected. 

“Ooh, Abs, does Alex know you got a hot one on the side?” 

“Shut up, Bernhardt.” 

“Oh, my love.  It is me.  Don’t you remember?  You?  Me?  Rio?  _Que filme horrível **.** ”"  _ **(That dreadful movie)**  

“Huh?” 

She lightly slapped Abbie’s cheek, “So romantic - the beach, the food.  _Barato data. Longas Caminhadas…_ _livre. Depois de uma refeição barata em um jantar._ “  She tweaked Abbie’s nose hard.   **(Cheap date.  Long walks… free.  Then a cheap meal in a diner.)**

Gail Peck tried to stifle the snort of laughter, but it still caught Holly’s attention.  

Holly leaned over and whispered, “Do you understand her?” 

Gail nodded and whispered back, “Chloe has been teaching me Portuguese.”

“Ow!”  Abbie tried to move the woman off her lap.  “Look, I don’t know who you are.” 

The woman just settled herself more firmly.  “Oh, my sweet little _…_ _famoso mangy rafeiro_.”   **(Mangy mutt)**  

This time Gail couldn’t stop the laughter. 

“Butch?” Abbie called out, trying to duck her head around the woman in her lap to see the stage. “Do you understand this?” 

“Sorry, Abs. Portuguese isn’t one of the four I know, but it looks like Peck does.” 

“Peck?  Can you help me out here?”  Gail sat there with her arms crossed.  “Please?”  Abbie added as the strange woman began to pepper Abbie’s face with kisses. 

Gail reluctantly nodded.  “She asked if you remember all the good times.  The movies.  The romantic strolls, the beach, the food.  Oh and she called you a… ahem… lovable puppy.” 

“Really?”  Holly whispered. 

Gail covered her mic and the other contestants leaned over so they could still hear her.  “Uh, no - mangy mutt.” 

Holly covered her mouth to stifle the laughter. 

“I’ve missed you so much, my dear sweet one… c _omo um…_ _como um…_ _parasito intestinal_.”   **(Like an intestinal parasite)**  

Gail swallowed hard and thought for a moment. “Uhhh, she said you give her butterflies.”  Then quietly to the others, she provided the actual translation.  Casey bit her lip to keep from laughing. 

The woman pushed Abbie’s hair behind her ear.  “Tall and strong, my sweetheart… _se voc_ _ê fosse mais bobos eu teria de á_ _gua duas vezes por semana._   Oh my love… you dear heart are a… _um macaco, um palhaço e um tolo_.”   **(If you were any dumber I would have to water you twice a week)** **(An ape, a clown and a fool)**  

“Um, you are an… ummm… imposing presence.  Like a mighty tree, but playful and funny.”  

Holly cocked an eyebrow at Gail, and she just shook her head no.  “Dumb as a box of rocks, monkey, clown.” 

Olivia cringed.  “Harsh.”  She shrugged. “True but harsh.”  Casey shoulder bumped her. 

“I know you have found another to love you.  _É um milagre_.”  The woman looked skyward. 

“You are a miracle on Earth,” Gail translated.  She started to give the others the exact translation, and they waved her off.  

“If we are not to be, you know I wish you well. _quero jogar você em um bem_.”   **(Actually, I want to throw you in one)**  

“She hopes you have pleasant future travels,” Gail said with a smirk.  

Before Gail could give the literal translation, Root added, just loud enough for the other contestants to hear, “And I hope Lassie finds her where she just got wished.”   

Sameen turned to Root.  “You speak Portuguese?” 

Root nodded. 

“Since when?” 

“Learned years ago.” 

“Why didn’t I know that?” 

“A gal has to have some secrets.”  She attempted a wink. “But feel free to interrogate me all… night… long.”   

Shaw rolled her eyes and turned her attention back to what was going on in the audience. 

“I have a gift for you.  You want it, no?” The Brazilians asked. 

“Sure, why not?  I love presents.”  Abbie nodded. 

The woman signaled to Cassidy, then got up off Abbie’s lap.  She kept Abbie’s attention, and everyone else’s, by making a exaggerated effort to straighten her chef coat and hat.

“Miss Carmichael?”  Cassidy tapped Abbie on the shoulder to get her attention.  

“Yes?” Abbie turned her head and 

 **SPLAT**  

Abbie swallowed hard, and then reached up and wiped the whipped topping and pie filling from her eyes.   She smiled and shook her head incredulously, as the audience roared.  She lifted a finger to her mouth and tasted it.  “MMmm, chocolate.  My… uhhh… favorite.” 

Jill Bernhardt reached over and swiped a bit from Abbie’s cheek and tasted it as well.   “Not bad, but I always liked lemon better.”  She didn’t see the movement behind her until it was too late. 

“Miss Bernhardt?”  Caroline asked, sweetly. 

Jill turned to look over her shoulder. 

 **SPLAT**  

Jill swiped at her eyes to clear them of the pie and then put a finger in her mouth.  “Yeah, the lemon is better.” 

Gail laughed hysterically, and pointed that the pie covered blonde attorney.  “Heh, Jilly McLips, right in the kisser.”   Holly pinched Gail’s arm hard.  “Hey!?!” 

“Be nice, Gail.” 

“Not a chance, Hols.”  She grinned.  “Now I know what to give Dr. Boobjob for her birthday.” 

Meanwhile, Olivia was frantically but subtly trying to get Lucy’s attention.  Finally, Lucy noticed.  She held her hands out to signal Liv to calm down and mouthed the words, ‘Everything is fine’. 

Back in the audience, the Brazilian leaned forward and whispered something in Abbie’s ear.  Abbie’s eyes widened.  Serena then pulled an envelope out of her chef’s coat and handed it to Abbie.  She looked at the pie covered face, and decided a kiss to the top of Abbie’s head would be less messy.  “Goodbye, dear; I hope you will not forget me.” 

“Pretty sure **_that_** will never happen.”  Abbie admitted ruefully.  The brunette attorney then opened the envelope and silently read the short note. 

 

**Dear Ms Carmichael,**

**Consider yourself… what do they say here in New York…GOTCHA-ed.  Don’t worry this is the whole extent of the payback.**

**Now I would like to say thank you.  No, not for your witty repartee today, but for something you did a few years ago. One of our regular Runway models, and a dear friend of mine, took part in a retreat at** [FWV](https://www.futureswithoutviolence.org/) **in DC.  When she returned with a new outlook she gave all the credit to a counselor there named Abbie Carmichael.  She said she finally felt like someone understood.  I, at last, got to put a face with that name and the opportunity to thank you.  Whether you know it or not, you saved her.  Literally.  Please accept this check for** [FWV](https://www.futureswithoutviolence.org/) **so that you may continue to help others and my everlasting gratitude for what you did for Isabel.**

**Sincerely,**

**Emily Charlton**

Abbie folded up the note and stood up to put it in her pocket. She gave a quick glance but little concern to the pie remnants falling to the theater floor, and contritely addressed the Brit. “Emily?”.

“Yes, Ms Carmichael.” 

“Message received.”  She then cocked a whipped cream covered eyebrow in question. 

Emily waved her hand in a dismissive motion.  “Fine.” 

“Sweet.”  She paused then added, “Oh and so is the pie.  Chocolate really is my favorite.”  Abbie bowed  her head for a moment and then continued. “Emily?” 

“Yes, Ms Carmichael.” 

“Thank you for being a good sport.” 

“Yes, well.  Don’t spread it around,“ Emily replied haughtily. “I have a reputation to uphold.” 

Abbie chuckled. “Your secret is safe with me.  Oh, and I’ll swear the massive crowd here to secrecy too.” 

The audience laughed. 

“And yours with me,” Emily added with a nod to her head.  “If you will follow Serena, we have a complete change of clothing for you both.  I thought you might want to change into something a bit less… sugary.”  

Abbie reached over and offered her hand to Jill, who took it and allowed herself to be pulled her to her feet.  They both walked out of the theater to applause.


	11. IDIOTEST

Emily turned back to the contestants.  “Now where were we…?”  She paused for a moment.  “Righto, I thought I would go easy….” Emily let her voice trail off.  She pondered the silence, and then broke out in a huge grin.  

Root realized why she paused, and offered a helpful suggestion.  “Why Emily, are you missing the heckling?  I’m sure we can help.”  She waved her hand at all the other contestants, then tried and failed at a wink.  “Portuguese.  Isso é o que ela disse.”  She nudged Shaw in the side. 

Shaw then jumped in. “German.  Das hat sie gesagt.”  She pointed to Casey. 

Casey added, “French.  C'est ce qu'elle a dit.”  She smiled at Liv who supplied her own.  

“Hungarian.  Ő ezt mondta.” 

Gail was next, ”Italian. Questo è quello che ha detto.”  She nodded at Holly. 

Holly scratched her chin for a second in thought.  Her eyes lit up when she came up with hers. Her voice got all gutteral and she uttered, “'oH nuq jatlh ghaH.”  She looked around at the rest of the contestants and their dumbfounded faces.  “What?  I’m a nerd.  That was Klingon for 'that's what she said'.” 

Emily bit her lip to keep from laughing.  She put the mic under one arm and applauded the contestants.  

Once everyone settled back down, Scud lowered the house lights and the game began anew.  

“As I was saying, these questions should be quite easy.”  Emily looked at all the contestants as she pondered for a moment.  Finally making up her mind, she moved to stand by Casey and Olivia.  “Casey, is Olivia right handed or left handed?” 

Casey smiled. “First thing I noticed was which side her weapon is carried on….” 

Gail coughed out a “Badge bunny.”

Casey stuck her tongue out at the Canadian; she reached over and pulled up Olivia’s right hand. “Liv is right handed.”  The answer was shown to be correct. 

“Olivia?” 

“Casey is also right handed but she switch hits.”  Gail started to open her mouth, but Olivia waved a finger in her face.  “Softball. Not a word Peck.” 

Gail just grinned. 

Olivia’s answer was also shown to be correct.  So Emily moved on to the Canadian couple.  “Gail, is Holly right or left handed?” 

“Holly is right handed.”  That answer was confirmed to be correct.  

“Holly?” 

“Emily, Gail is right handed as well.  Like Casey, I first noticed when I saw her in uniform.”  Holly suddenly got a dreamy look on her face.  

Gail snapped her fingers in front of the Doctor’s eyes.  “Holly?  Holly?  You are doing it again.” 

“Can’t help it.  You in your dress uniform is a sight.”  She paused for a split second.  “A HOT sight.” 

Gail blushed. 

Emily shook her head and moved to the other New York couple. “Root?  Is Shaw, right or left handed? 

“Depends on what she is doing. She can fight and kick butt with both hands equally well.”  Root started to smirk.  “But if we are talking about last night - she is right hand dominant.”  She giggled. 

“Root!” Sameen admonished. 

“I can’t help it, saying the words ‘you’ and ‘dominant’ in the same sentence gives me the giggles.”  

“Answer, please,” Emily commanded. 

“Right handed.” 

Shaw showed her answer matched Root’s.  Shaw then glanced over at Root.  She had a faraway look in her eyes and she was fanning herself with the tablet.  Shaw nudged her.   Root snapped out of her reverie and her look turned immediately playful.  

“Sorry, darlin’; just thinking about how rightly dominant you were last night.” 

Shaw lowered her head, closed her eyes and bit her lip in frustration.  “You are incorrigible,” she muttered without looking up. 

Root leaned over and kissed Shaw’s cheek.  “I know.” 

Emily snapped her fingers to get Shaw’s attention.  Shaw looked up and growled.  Emily stepped back. 

“Is Root right or left handed?” 

“For the longest time I actually didn’t know.  I never saw her write anything - she always types.  She shoots equally well with both hands….” 

“Your first compliment to me… you said it was ‘hot’.”  Root smiled and laid her head on Shaw’s shoulder. 

“Using two guns was hot, you… eh.”  Sameen deadpanned and shrugged her off.  “As I was saying, she doesn’t wear a watch, so using that for a clue wasn’t helping.  So I had to conclude that she is truly ambidextrous.” 

Root showed her tablet which showed Shaw’s answer was correct.  Then added with a playful waggling of fingers, “Emphasis on ‘dexterous’ as my Sweetie knows so well.“ 

Sameen rolled her eyes. 

“Ahem, well… fine then.  Every team picked up ten points.” 

~~~~~~

“Onward to the next question.”  Emily looked around and decided to start with Gail and Holly.  “Holly, not counting yourself, who is Gail’s best friend?” 

Holly took a deep breath, “I had to really think about this one when we gave our initial answers.  She has several people that she depends on.” She paused for a second and looked over at Gail. “I had to go with Traci.” 

Gail smiled and held up the tablet.  She leaned over and kissed Holly.  

“Alrighty, Gail, who is Holly’s best friend?” Emily asked. 

“She has two.  Dr. Lopsided Boobjob and Rachel.  Rachel was the one who broke-up our honeymooon cruise scam.”  She made eye contact with all the contestants. “Don’t ask.   I’ll have to go with her.” 

Holly smiled and showed her answer matched. 

“Ten points for you.  Let’s go to Shaw and Root.  Same question - Root, you first.” 

“Sweetie’s best friend is Bear.” 

“Excuse me?  Did you say her best friend is a bear?” 

“No, her best friend is a dog.”  Root waited for that to sink in before she added, “named Bear.” 

Emily looked between the two of them and Shaw shrugged.  

“It’s true.  Bear.”   Shaw showed the answer.  

“O-kay, Shaw, who is Root’s best friend?” 

Root turned, biting her lip and looked nervously at Sam. 

“Ernest Thornhill.” 

Root broke out in a smile and showed her matching answer.  “SHE is.” 

“She?” Emily queried. 

“Um, yeah, her name is actually… umm, doesn’t matter.”  Root continued to spin her tale. “SHE is… ummm… an old computer friend.  You could say we met online.”   

“Ten points.  Casey? Olivia?” 

“I’ll go first,” Casey offered.  “Liv’s best friend is Abbie Carmichael.” 

“WHAT!?!”  Emily screeched. 

Olivia ran her hand over the back of her neck and looked sheepishly at Emily.  “Yeah, ‘fraid so.”  Her matching answer popped up on the screen. 

“But, but, you look so… sane.” 

“C’mon, she isn’t **_that_** bad.”  As Emily just stared at Olivia, she finally relented. “Okay, she can be **_that_** bad.  But it is what it is and she has always been there for me when I needed her.”  Olivia spared a glimpse over to Lucy just off-stage.  Lucy smiled back.

Emily just shook her head.  “Casey’s best friend?” 

Olivia looked at Casey and smiled. “John Munch.” 

Casey showed her answer matched and she grinned back.  “He is one of the Liv’s colleagues.  He’s one of a kind and we just hit it off.” 

“Okay, fair enough.  Ten points for your team as well.  We are now moving to the last question of the round.”

 


	12. LOVE CONNECTION

Emily looked down at the car in her hand.  “Oh, I like this one.”  She made eye contact with all the teams.  “What Disney animated feature’s title would you use to describe your relationship?”  She mulled over the possibilities. “Let’s start with….”    

“Can we go first?” Olivia asked. 

“Sure, fine.”  Emily pointed between them and Olivia pointed at Casey.  “Casey?” 

“Where’s Abbie?”  Casey looked around. “I just know she is going to want to make a snarky remark here.”  

Olivia leaned back behind Casey and looked over to Lucy.  She covered her mouth and then pointed at her.  Lucy gave her the okay sign. 

“Casey?” 

“The Fox and the Hound.” 

Olivia immediately held up her tablet and the main monitor showed her answer.  The audience ‘awwwwwed’. 

“Oh, did I miss it?” Casey asked and turned to Olivia.  Olivia held the tablet up between them. Casey covered her mouth and teared up as she silently read what Olivia wrote - _Will You Marry Me?_   

Before Casey could give her answer Olivia replaced Casey’s hand with her own.  “Hold on, I have to do this right.”  She gestured at her casted leg, then turned her attention to the off-stage area and yelled out, “Stunt double!” 

Abbie came hopping out onto the stage with one shoe on, and trying desperately to put the other one on.  She finally gave up and toed off the first and threw them both off-stage.  She took off in a sprint.  She had to grab onto the booth to keep from sliding past, since her socks held no purchase on the wood floor. “Told you I wouldn’t miss it.” 

Casey eyes kept glancing between Olivia and Abbie.  

Abbie leaned toward Olivia and whispered, “You sure you want to do this?”  Liv slapped the back of Abbie’s head.  “Just asking, geez.”  She held up her hands in supplication, then winked conspiratorially at Olivia. 

Olivia turned to Casey and reached for her hands.  “Casey, we have been together for quite awhile now.  I smile every time I think of how we met.  Since then, we have made so many more memories.  Each of them special in their own way.  I’ve known you are ‘THE ONE’ for quite sometime now.”  She looked down at there joined hands and then back to Casey.  “You are my pillar, my champion and my playmate.  I adore your quiet strength; your fierceness to do right; your wit and your playfulness.  I love your positive outlook on the world.  You make me want to believe in the good in everything as well and to be the best person I can be.”  She smiled.  “You have proved you love me unconditionally time and time again.  Usually right after Dippy….”  She gestured with her head at the brunette attorney.  “… here convinces me to do something stupid.”

“HEY!” Abbie objected.

Olivia ignored the outburst and continued looking at Casey.  “You have been by my side when I thought the world was against me.  I will love you the rest of my days but I want to make sure that you are also taken care of as best as I can. I want whatever I have to be yours as well.”

“Her too?”  Casey asked, and cut her eyes to Abbie.

“Negotiable,” Liv said with a grin.

“Hey!  That hurts, y’know.”  Abbie put her hands over her heart.

Olivia soldiered on. “My colleagues know what you mean to me and you will always be treated as part of the NYPD family, but I want you legally protected in the rest of the world as well.”

“Oof.” Abbie exclaimed when she felt Olivia elbow her.  “My turn.”  Abbie knelt down on one knee.  “Casey, Case, Case… will you marry me?”  Abbie reached into her pocket and pulled out a ring box.  She popped it open and presented it to Casey.

Casey’s eyes widened and then filled with more tears.   “Of course not, never.  I’d never marry you,” directing her words at Abbie, “but her… in a hot, New York minute.”  She reached for the ring box and took it from Abbie to hand it to Olivia.  “You were saying…?”

Olivia removed the ring and slid it onto Casey’s finger, then leaned in for a kiss.  Abbie stood up blocking the kissing couple from the applauding audience.  “Nothing to see here folks,” she joked.  Abbie turned to look at her friends who were still kissing.  She leaned in close to their faces only to get Casey’s hand on her forehead pushing her away.  “Geez, some people.”

Olivia and Casey broke the kiss and started laughing.  Casey turned and crooked her finger at Abbie to get her to lean in.  When she did, Casey kissed her nose.  “How long have you known this was going to happen?” 

“Umm, I plead the fifth.”

“Does Alex know?”

“Nope.”

“Really?”

“And risk giving her some ideas?  No, no thanks.”

While this exchange was going on, the rest of the contestants were congratulating Olivia.  Then Gail thought of something.  “Wait a minute.  How did you know that particular question was going to be asked?”

Olivia grinned.  “I didn’t.  I just answered ‘Will You Marry Me’ to over half of the questions.  Then had to hope that we lasted long enough for one of those questions to be one of the ones chosen randomly for the game.”  She turned to Casey, “If it didn’t happen today, I would have gone to Plan B.”

“What was Plan B going to be?” Casey asked.

“No clue.”  Olivia answered sheepishly.  “Lucy and the stage crew were clued in before we started the actual game.  She had to make sure Abs here was ready for her big moment.”  She turned to Abbie and punched her arm.  “You almost gave me a heart attack.  Did you have to be a terrible two-year old?”

Abbie rubbed her nose and ducked her head.  “You know how I get when I get really nervous.  I really wanted it to go perfect for you both. You guys mean the world to me.”

Olivia leaned in and whispered something to Casey and she shook her head in agreement.  “Emily?” Olivia called out. “Casey and I are withdrawing from the game.  We have… uh… celebrating to do.”

“Thank you Emily and all the folks who indulged Liv in this scheme, “ Casey chimed in. “And we’ll take trouble with us, “ she added with a nod to Emily.  “Good luck to the remaining players.”

Lucy and Janet came out on stage.  Casey made a move to stand. “Stay put, guys.  The booths are on wheels for a reason.” 

Janet unhooked the mics and moved some wires out of the way and then she and Lucy grabbed the back of the booth and started pulling it offstage. 

“Hey Abbie, give them a hand here.  Put your back in it.”  Casey mockingly ordered.  “Heave ho.”

Abbie stood with her hands on her hips.  “Who you calling a ho?” Casey just cocked an eyebrow at her.   “Yeah, yeah, use and abuse.” Abbie mumbled. She began pushing on the front of the booth while the others pulled.  “Geez, no more donuts for you, Butch.

“Shut it, Abbie.”

The booth disappeared off-stage, and Emily attempted to return her attention to the game.  Before she could continue to question the other contestants, a large Texas tornado streaked back onto the stage.  Abbie sock slid up, grabbed Emily, dipped her and gave her a kiss.  She returned Emily upright and then ran back off-stage. 

Emily looked back and forth between the contestants and off-stage.  Her face showing mass confusion and disbelief.

“Ahem.  She better hope she can outrun Serena or a pie is going to find its way to someplace other than her face.”  Emily shook her head and resettled her hair.  “Now, where were we?”

“Disney movie titles describing our relationship,” Holly offered cheerfully.

“Right.  So why don’t you go next?”

“Although we don’t match the characters exactly… I’d say the movie UP.”

Gail smiled and showed that her answer matched. “I dunno Hols, you are quite the adventurer, and I have been called a curmudgeon on more than one occasion.”

“Curmudgeon?  Is that slang for ‘grouchy bitch’?”

“Shut it, Bernhardt. Takes one to know one.”

”Jill!?!”

Emily looked out into the audience and stared at the blonde until Jill Bernhardt shrunk down in her seat. “Five points for your team.  How about you two?” Emily moved over to Root and Shaw.  She pointed at Shaw. 

“I would love to say The Incredibles, but the romantic sap here wouldn’t even be thinking about that movie.  So my guess would be….”

“I didn’t think of that movie.  Oooh, spandex,” Root got a faraway look in her eyes. “You’d look great in spandex.”

“No.”

“Oooh, and capes.”

“They didn’t wear capes.”

“Oooh, but capes can be fun.”

“Root?  They didn’t wear capes.”

“Oooh, you without spandex or a cape on. Yum.”  Root licked her lips.

Sameen waved her hand and snapped her fingers in front of Root’s eyes.  “Snap out of it.  No spandex, no cape and that movie was not my answer either.”

“Pity.”  She smiled at Sam. Root thought for a second, “Can we…?’

Shaw glowered at Root and then turned to Emily. “As I was saying, the idiot here would pick something sappy.  My guess would be Beauty and the Beast.”   

“Oh, Sweetie, how right you are.”  Root showed her answer. 

“So who is…?” Emily trailed off when she saw the incinerating glare that Shaw was giving her.   “Never mind.”  She walked back to the spot between both booths.  Then she turned and faced the audience.  “Well, Olivia and Casey left with thirty five points. They will be getting a fifty-five hundred dollar donation for their charity.   You two are still tied with fifty points each and will be playing in the final round to determine a winner.”


	13. HOT POTATO

Emily turned back to face the contestants “Ready?”

The two couples nodded. 

Then Holly spoke up.  “Hey Emily, I just figured out what Disney movie fits you.”

“Really.”

“Yep, Mary Poppins.”

Emily thought for a second.  “Well, I am apparently taking care of _children_ here.”  She smiled.  “And I am practically perfect in every way.”  Nodding her head, “Yes, that would be acceptable.”

Lucy waited for Emily to look her way and then walked to center stage and handed Emily three new question cards.  The Brit took a second to read over the first and grinned.  “Can I get the list, please?”  she addressed Lucy.  Lucy held up one finger asking Emily to wait a moment, and walked back off-stage.  A minute later, she returned and handed over another card.

Emily read the list, then looked back up at the contestants.  “This correct answer will get you ten points and should be very entertaining.”  She turned to the audience. “They gave each contestant a list of items relevant to the answer, just in case someone was not familiar with the subject.”  Turning back to the contestants, she asked, “Which Donna Summer disco song describes your activities in the bedroom?” 

She looked at the couples.  “Which of the two should we ask, hmmm?”  Emily looked first at the New York couple.  Root was practically bouncing in her seat while Shaw sat stone-faced.  The Canadian couple was a different story.  Gail’s ears were already turning red and she seemed to be finding the floor very interesting. Holly looked just as uncomfortable and maybe slightly worried.

“Let’s start with Holly.  So Holly, which song title describes your activities in the bedroom?” 

Holly sighed and kept side-eyeing Gail. “Well, if we were talking about when we first got together, I would have chosen ‘Dim All The Lights’ because… well… Gail was a bit tentative and shy since I was her first female lover.  But now, since we have been together and are married….” She trailed off and took a good look at her wife.  “And from the way she is blushing, I can tell exactly which song she picked and I totally agree with the sentiment.  ‘Love To Love You Baby’.”  She leaned over and kissed Gail while the matching answer popped up on the monitor.

“I am not very familiar with Donna Summer recordings.  Can anyone sing some of that?”

“I don’t sing,” from Holly.

“NO!” from Gail.

“OH, HELL NO!” from Shaw.

“Sure,” Root offered and dramatically cleared her throat.  She stood up and began to sway. 

“Oh no, no you don’t.” Shaw grabbed her arm and yanked her back down.  Root feigned losing  her balance and accidentally on purpose ended up in Shaw’s lap.  Once there, Shaw put a not so delicate hand over Root’s mouth. 

Root removed the hand and placed her head on Sam’s shoulder.  “If you wanted me this close all you had to do was ask, darlin’.” 

Shaw ignored the comment.  “You do not need to be demonstrating your lack of singing skills.” 

“Well, I can do the end. I do possess moaning skills.” She smirked.  “You make sure I get plenty of practice in that area.”  She paused. “Day.”   Another pause.  “And night.” 

Shaw rolled her eyes and pushed Root back to her seat.  She turned and glared at Emily.  “Can we just answer the question and move on, please?” 

“Sure, but I am really not familiar with any of her music. At least I don’t think I am.  So, I really would like to know….” 

Scud queued up a sample of the song and played it.  Root began to lip sync it to an appalled Shaw, while Gail and Holly tried to will themselves to disappear.   

Emily listened for a few moments.  “Oh, my.” She shook her head.  “I’ve heard enough, thank you.”  She looked to Root.  “Your answer?” 

“As much as that one would have fit with us as well, I have two other possibilities which may be a bit closer. “The songs ‘Hot Stuff’ or ‘Bad Girls’.”  She glanced over at Shaw who was trying her best deadpan look.  Root stared intently.  She tilted her head to one side and then the other as in deep thought. 

“Yeah, don’t even. You… aarrgghhh….” She pointed her finger at Root. “You are trying to get into my head.  My brain may never recover.”  

Root nodded to herself. “She picked ‘Hot Stuff’.”  

Shaw showed her tablet with the matching answer. 

“YES!” Root celebrated, “Even though we are so bad at being good and so good at being bad, how could bedroom activities with my little firecracker here be anything but HOT!”  She licked her finger and pressed it on Shaw’s arm and made a hissing, sizzle sound.  Shaw responded by yanking her arm away. 

~~~~~~

 

“Well, the teams are still tied, so let’s move on to the next question.  What is your significant other’s ideal vacation destination?”  She glanced quickly between the couples.  “Shaw, what is Root’s ideal vacation spot?” 

Shaw side-eyed Root and addressed Emily, “I know Miss Palerthanpale here doesn’t look it, but she does love a beach.  We’ve been on several vacations in the tropics but I think that Miami holds a special place in her heart.” 

Root smiled and showed her answer did match.  “My sweetie is right.  I do love a beach, preferably a clothing optional beach.  Not for me - I burn so easily - but sweetie here gets toasty.  I just want to eat her up.  Maybe with some honey like last….” 

Sameen made a slashing motion in front of her own throat. “That will do Root. TMI, definitely TMI.” 

“I’d say you are no fun but, boy, do I know different.”  She smirked at Shaw and mockingly fanned herself.   Shaw responded with another eye roll. 

Emily shook her head at the couple’s antics, then turned her attention to Gail and Holly.  “So, Gail, what is Holly’s ideal vacation location?” 

“Well, Holly’s dream is to go to Paris.  I’ve been.  I rebelled before college and did the cliched backpack through Europe adventure.”  She spared a glance at Holly and then continued, “Holly didn’t have the opportunity or means to do something like that.  Now, her job calls for her to travel but she has only been sent to different places around North America.  We were living in two different countries when we got married in Niagara and had to go right back to our jobs.  We got another short vacation in Chicago but again, back to separate living.  We did manage to pull off a short Caribbean cruise which promptly got hijacked by my family.”  She waved off the inevitable question. “Don’t ask.  One day I hope to give Holly the honeymoon trip she deserves and take her to Paris.” 

Holly’s eyes began to tear up.  She held up her tablet which did show the matching answer.  “Oh, Gail, as long as we are together, we can make it a honeymoon anywhere.” 

“You both were busy reading and answering the questions on your tablets when we did the opening announcements so I don’t think you heard about the prizes for the contestants.  In addition to the swag donated by the Runway sponsors, we added a surprise Grand Prize for the winner.  The Grand Prize for the winning couple is a trip to Paris.” 

Holly lit up with excitement and clapped her hands excitedly.  She turned and hugged Gail.  “We might win a trip to Paris, wouldn’t that be…?”   

Gail smiled back. “A fairytale.”

 


	14. GAMBIT

“All right, we have come down to the last question.”  Emily turned to address the audience. “The couples will decide how many points the last question should be worth.  Each can wager none, any or all their points on a correct answer to the question.”  She turned back to the booths to advise the couples, “We have a tie game at seventy points each. So choose carefully based on your confidence and knowledge in each other.  We will kill the mics and allow you to strategize in secret for the next few minutes.”  Since the booths were not pushed together when the previous booth was removed, Emily moved over to stand in that space.

Lucy had just finished telling Scud to cut the mics when she heard the footsteps and turned to see who was approaching.  “Hey Boss,” she took a quick look around Xena.  “Where is your better half?” 

“Scouting the dessert party and scoping out her choices.”  Xena chuckled.  “We figured the game should be wrapping up in the next fifteen minutes.” 

“Yeah, one question left.  The teams are deciding how much to wager.  I wonder if they will play it safe or go for broke.” 

Unable to hear the discussions, they both paid close attention to the gestures and body language for any indication of what each couple might do.  One such gesture piqued Xena’s interest.

 

************

 

Gail and Holly leaned in close and began whispering as Root and Sameen did the same.  Emily, given her perspective standing between the two remaining occupied booths,  had the perfect vantage point to clearly hear both whispering couples.  Her eyes widened in disbelief the longer she listened, as she realized she was hearing almost the exact conversation on either side of her.  Gail and Holly leaned in close and began whispering.

 

“Bet it all,”  Gail said confidently. 

“Gail?!?” 

“All in.”

 

 

 

“Sameen?” 

“We haven’t missed yet, Root.  ALL OF IT.” 

“Sam?  Baby?”

 

 

 

“No, no, no, no.  You know I cave when you call me honey.”  Gail sighed and accepted her fate.  “All right, Holly - what is going on in that big brain of yours?” 

“Look, I know you want to win that trip for us and nothing would make me happier but right now we have a sizable donation for the charity.  That money can do a lot of good.  I would hate to risk it and lose it.”

 

 

 

Sameen narrowed her eyes when Root just continued to smile at her.  “I’m not going to like what you are trying to talk me into, am I?”  She thought for a second.  “Wait, you want to throw the game so they win, don’t you?” 

Root mockingly pouted. “Admit it, you love me for my big brain.”  She tilted her head, “C’mon, Sameen.  You know we can easily go to Paris or anywhere else anytime we want.  We do it all the time.” 

“Dammit, I hate to lose.” 

“Look, I know you want to win.”  She thought for a moment.  “How about we will do our best to answer the question correctly but…?”  Root braced and awaited the argument. 

Shaw arched an eyebrow and calmly spoke, “Continue.” 

 

 

 

“We’ll get to Paris, Gail,” Holly continued. “I know we will.” 

Gail sighed again. “Fine.  How much do you want to bet?”

 

 

 

Root tilted her head in confusion.  _Well that was definitely not the response I expected_.  “We bet less than what they bet.  If they also get the question right, they win just on points. If they miss and we also miss, they win on points.”  Root shrugged.  “If they miss and we don’t, you get your win.”

 

 

 

“How about ten?” Holly suggested.  “If we….” 

“ **When** we….” Gail corrected. 

“… get it right, then we end up with at minimum eleven thousand dollars.  Eight thousand from the points and the other three thousand from advancing in the game.  If we miss, we still have ten thousand dollars.  If they miss or get it right but bet less than we do, we end up with twenty-five thousand dollars.” 

“Why do you have to be so logical?” 

“I thought you liked my big nerd brain?” 

“Well yeah, but I like a few other parts a lot more.”  Gail smiled at Holly.  Gail eyes widened at the thought that popped into her head and she snapped her fingers.  “Wait, what happens if there is a tie?”

 

************

 

“Emily, what happens if we end up in a tie? 

“Oh, no, no, no.  We are not doing more questions.”  Emily held up her thumb and forefinger and held them an inch apart, “I am this close to escaping with my sanity.”  She looked over at Lucy.  Lucy pointed skyward and mouthed ‘Ask Amy’.  Lucy immediately contacted Scud and told him to turn up Emily’s mic.  She pointed at Emily to go ahead.  Emily addressed the ether.  “Judge?  What happens if there is a tie after the last question?” 

Amy replied in her best deep superhuman voice, “Mortal combat.” 

“The video game?” Gail asked gleefully.  “Yes!”  She pumped her fist.

 “Yes!” Root was also happy with that answer.

“Okay, fine,” Holly added reluctantly.

“No way,” Shaw disagreed. 

“No, not the video game.  There can only be one winner - real mortal combat,” Amy deadpanned. 

“Yes!” Shaw exclaimed and offered a fist bump to Root. 

“Yes!” Root agreed.

“Seriously?”  Gail looked at the other couple and then at Holly.  “Okay fine,” Gail added reluctantly.

“No way! Have you all lost your minds?”  Holly disagreed, shaking her head vehemently. 

“Yeah, I guess you are right.  It wouldn’t be a fair fight… even without weapons.”  Shaw shook her head.  “I mean I’m me - a highly trained combat Marine, and you are just… well… you.”  Sam waved her hand dismissively. 

“I am a well trained Canadian Police Officer, and I’ll have you know that Holly has a black belt,” Gail boasted and crossed her arms defiantly.

 “Gail?!?” 

“Okay, she owns a black belt… maybe.”  Gail shrugged. 

“Still to make it fair, Root would have to not compete and I’d have to tie one hand… no, both hands behind my back **AND** put on a blindfold.”  She gave a sharp look to Root.  “Don’t say it.” 

Root smirked, “I thought that was on the agenda for later. Rawr.” 

“Root!” 

“Sam.” 

“Hey, c’mon, that is really insulting.  How dare you?” Gail countered. 

Both couples began talking over each other. 

“Guys?  Uh guys?  GUYS!”  

There was a shrill whistle that emanated from off stage and everyone shut up. 

“C’mon, guys, I was only kidding,” Amy explained with a giggle.  “We have a tie-breaker process in place if we need it.”      

Lucy had Scud kill the mics again as the couples all nodded and went back to their whispered strategizing. 

 

************

 

“Okay but we need to know how many points they are betting. You are psycho, not psychic. ” 

Root touched her right ear.  “The voice in my head says they are betting ten, so we need to bet only nine points.”    

“One of the voices in your head,” Shaw mumbled to herself.  She then gave Root pointed stare. “Tell me you have not been using Skynet to cheat?” 

“Of course not.”  She crossed her heart.  “I swear.”  She shook her head.  “Sweetie, SHE knows that if you even thought for one second that SHE interfered that you would fill her servers full of lead.   And probably me too.” 

Sameen stared at Root for a minute.  “Okay, I believe you.”  She took a deep breath.  “Let’s do this.”

 

 

 

“Holly, are you sure you want to only bet ten?” 

“Yeah, the little voice in my head says that is enough.” 

“Well, I learned to never doubt your Hollytuition.”  Gail took a deep breath.  “Let’s do this.”

 

 

 


	15. WIN, LOSE OR DRAW

Both teams signaled to Emily that they were ready.   Emily stepped forward and held her hand out.  Lucy walked over and handed her an envelope.  “I hold in my hand…” she paused, closed her eyes, looked skyward and mouthed thank you. 

“Welcome,” Amy’s disembodied voice said with a chuckle.  

“The last question.” She looked over at both couples and then tore into the envelope and silently read the question to herself.  She nodded once as acceptance to the question’s topic. “Root and Holly, let’s see how well you know Shaw and Gail.” 

Shaw nodded.  “Let’s get this over with.” 

“My sentiments exactly,” she mumbled to herself.  “Shaw, if you knew that tonight was your last night on Earth, what would your last meal be?” 

“Fried tofu with a kale and quinoa salad.” 

Root’s face dropped and she began to worry that Shaw had changed their plans. 

Emily looked at Shaw dumbfounded and then at all the contestants.  She then addressed Shaw, “seriously?” 

“Oh, hell no.” Sam scoffed.  “Do you think I got these….” She showed off her biceps.  “… eating crap like that?”  

“Hey!” Holly interjected. “I cook crap… I mean healthy food like that and Gail doesn’t complain.” 

Gail looked over at Shaw and shook her head no but then mouthed yes and changed to nodding.  That got her a poke from Holly.  

“Before I answer, can I ask for a slight clarification?” 

Emily gestured for Shaw to proceed. 

Sam jerked her thumb at Root.  “Is she cooking it?  Because if she is, I pass.  Eating her cooking will only end my last night… **OOF!** ”  Root gave Shaw a sharp elbow to her ribs.  “Sooner.”  

“Amy?”  Emily summoned. 

“This is your last meal. Get it prepared anywhere you want by anyone you want,” Amy ruled. 

“In that case a Porterhouse steak, the bigger the better; medium rare, with garlic mashed potatoes and green beans.  A top shelf single malt scotch to drink.  For dessert, cheesecake with none of that fancy schmancy fruit stuff on it… just plain cheesecake.”  She looked over at Root.  “Two forks, since skinny Minnie’s weakness is cheesecake, and she will be scarfing down half of it.” 

Root smiled and leaned over and kissed Sam’s temple.  “I knew you loved me. Just for the record, **YOU** are my weakness.”   

The audience awwwwed. 

“Root?  Did you guess correctly?” 

Root held up her tablet which read, Porterhouse steak, medium rare, garlic mashed potatoes, green beans, scotch and cheesecake. 

“Correct answer.”  Emily nodded.  “Before we reveal the wager, let’s see what the other couple have to say.”  The Brit stepped over to the Canadian’s booth.  “Gail?  What is your last meal?” 

“Like Shaw, my last meal would be something I enjoy on a regular basis.  I can be found eating it every time Holly goes out of town… OOF!”  Holly gave Gail a sharp elbow to the ribs. Gail grinned and finished giving her answer. “A big bag of cheesy puffs and tequila.”

“Really?” 

“Yep,” she popped the 'p'. 

“Holly?” 

“I wish it wasn’t so but….” she held up the tablet which read, cheese puffs and tequila. 

“Correct answer.”  Emily pinched her nose and began mumbling to herself ‘ _no tie, please no tie, please no tie._ She took a deep breath and mustered on.  “How much did you wager?”  Holly again showed the tablet which indicated they bet ten points. 

“Ten points.  That brings you to eighty points and eleven thousand dollars.” 

“Root and Shaw, you also got the answer correct, if you wagered more than ten, you win.  If not, Gail and Holly win.  How much did you wager?” 

Root looked at Shaw and winked… sorta… and then showed her tablet which indicated nine points. 

“Not enough.  Gail and Holly are our winners.” 

 

Holly grabbed Gail in a tight embrace.  They made their way to their feet, and began to jump up and down. 

“Hey?” Holly shouted over the noise of the applause from the audience. 

Gail cringed but replied, “Hey!” 

“Hey!”  Holly repeated with a beaming smile. 

“You said that already.” 

“I knew I heard it somewhere before.”  Holly grinned stupidly at Gail.  “Y’know what?” 

“What?” 

“We’re going to Paris.” 

“Yes, we are. 

“Paris, France.” 

“Yes, we are.” Gail nodded 

“Pinch me.  I must be dreaming.” 

Gail made an exaggerated pinching motion with her fingers and took aim at Holly’s upper arm.  Holly closed her eyes and braced herself.  At the last second Gail, smiling wickedly, diverted to Holly’s butt. And pinched… hard. 

“OW!?!”   Holly rubbed her butt. “Gail?” 

Gail just continued grinning, and then leaned in to kiss her wife.

 

In the meantime, Root and Shaw had exited their booth and had stepped over to where the other couple was celebrating.  Having witnessed the pinch, Root took that moment to speak to them.  “Ahem.  Hate to interrupt your foreplay but I just wanted to congratulate you.  You played a great game.” 

The Canadians broke the kiss and offered hands to Root and Shaw who were standing by the booth.  Root shook Gail’s first, while Shaw congratulated Holly.  Shaw took a small step backwards to allow Root to move over to talk to Holly while she talked to Gail. 

“You guys are very competitive.  Nice game.”  She gripped the Constable’s hand and squeezed.  

Gail squeezed back, not giving a bit. “Takes one to know one.” 

“True.  Neither of us missed.  Too bad it didn’t go on a bit longer.  Kept going until you missed.  Kind of like a marksman competition.”  Her grip tightened more. 

“We wouldn’t have missed. And funny you should use the term marksman.” 

“Oh, really?  Well, I don’t miss in that regard either.”  Shaw grinned smugly. 

“Neither do I.  I’ve been shooting since I was a kid.  I’m legacy law enforcement.” 

Shaw grinned, “What a coincidence.  I’m a legacy law-bre… ummm… I speak fluent weaponry as well.”  She stared at Gail, “You never know, Root and I may have to make a trip to Toronto in the future.  Think you can walk the walk?” 

“Seriously?  Anytime.” 

Shaw let go of Gail’s hand and grabbed Root’s instead.  They turned to exit the stage.  “Then we will definitely be seeing you soon.” 

“You feel better now that you got that out of your system, Sweetie?”  Root leaned in and whispered as walked away. 

“I feel fine, but she isn’t.”  Shaw laughed. 

 

Once they were out of sight.  Gail shook out her hand. And muttered to herself, “Damn, I hope not too soon.  I think my hand is broken.” 

“What did you say, Gail?” 

“Nothing Hols,” was the quick reply. 

Holly was not going to let that go, but just them Miranda made her way back onto the stage.  Andy was trailing behind with an oversized check. 

Emily raised her hand to quiet down the audience and then stepped aside.  Miranda quietly congratulated the winners.  She turned to Emily and the Brit handed over the microphone.  “Ladies and….” She paused for a brief second.  “Gentleman….” 

“Thank you,” was heard from the sound booth. 

Miranda acknowledged with smirk and a slight nod.  “May I present the winners of the **_first and only_** edition of Domestic Bliss? Constable Gail Peck and Doctor Holly Stewart.” 

Andy stepped forward, shrugged and held out the check.  “You probably actually need to go into the bank.  I don’t think this is going to fit in that drive through tube thingy.”  

“Andrea? Really?” 

Andy just smiled at Miranda. 

“Along with the check for twenty-five thousand dollars for [Evergreen](http://www.evergreen.ca/), you have won a fabulous trip to Paris and a feature for your chosen charity in an upcoming issue of Runway.” 

“On behalf of myself and Gail, I would like to thank you and Runway and all the great contestants today.  It was a fun day, and I don’t think Gail and I will ever forget it.” 

“However,” Gail cut in, “we would greatly appreciate if everyone would forget all about that whole Donna Summer thing.”  She immediately looked toward the sound booth in the back of the theater and pointed at it. “Don’t even think about it.” 

“Spoilsport.”  Scud replied with a laugh. 

Andy took the microphone out of Miranda’s hand.  Miranda cocked an eyebrow.  Andy just grinned. She then turned to the couple, with the most deadpan look and the fakest announcer voice she could muster, she said, “Gail and Holly, now that you won what are you going to do?” 

The couple looked at each other and then back at Andy, “We are going for ice cream!” 

Miranda shook her head and stifled a chuckle.  “Indeed.”

 


	16. I’VE GOT A SECRET

Xena stepped outside into the cool night air.  She pulled the collar of her jacket up when a slight shiver went through her body.  There were several groups of convention attendees still huddled around on the sidewalk, either waiting for cabs or just unwilling to end the night just yet.  Many others had already departed back to their hotel, either by car or on foot to the nearest subway station. 

“Excuse me, sugar.”

Xena turned as she felt someone brush by her trying to exit the door.  She moved over and let them pass.

“Nikki.  Nora.  I am looking forward to next year in New Orleans.“ Xena pulled a business card out of her pocket and presented it to Nikki.  “When you get all your planning done, you can contact Lucy and she’ll make it happen.”   She reached into her other pocket and pulled out a different card.  “Nora?  Gabrielle is as big a foodie as you are so if you can put together a list of your favorite restaurants for her, please?”  She handed that card to Nora.  “Our personal contact info is on that card.  Don’t hesitate to contact us if you have any questions or issues.”

Nikki looked at Nora and cocked an eyebrow.  Nora easily understood the unspoken question, and answered with a shrug.   “Go for it,” she directed at Nikki and then looked at Xena and warned, “incoming!”   She ginned at the surprised look on Xena’s face when she was suddenly  enveloped in a giant Nikki hug.

Nikki kissed her cheek.  “Thank you for another wonderful weekend.  I am glad you’re entrusting us with your next convention; we will do out best to make it as memorable and entertaining as the last five.”

Nikki broke the hug.  Nora reached out and shook Xena’s hand. “We will definitely be in touch.  Please give Gabrielle our best.”  The couple smiled and turned and started walking up the street.

Xena watched them leave and then turned back when she felt another person walk behind her in the opposite direction.  “Ms. Groves?”

Root sighed in frustration.   She plastered a smile on her face and turned.  “Yes.  But please call me Root.”

“Yes. I’m sorry.  Root.”  Xena glanced around quickly. “Congratulations to you and Ms Shaw.  By the way, where is Ms. Shaw?” 

“She’s inside.  She offered to help the bakery caterers clean up if they would let her take home a doggie bag assortment of the pastries.  I told her I would meet her at home.  We have a real dog that will be in serious need of a walk about now.”

Xena shook her head and chuckled.  “Yeah, I’m pretty sure Gabrielle is doing the same.  The pastries.  Not the dog walking.” 

“And thank you.  We had a wonderful time.  Our charity can definitely use the donation.”  Root turned to leave and only managed a few steps before she heard her name again.

“Root? About the game….”

Root cringed and then turned and stepped back toward Xena.

Xena handed Root a business card.  “When you and Ms. Shaw have some time, Gabrielle and I would like for you to come over for dinner and conversation.  Gabrielle grills a mean steak and I would like to talk to you both about a mutual friend of ours - Ernest Thornhill.”

Roots eyes widened for just a second and then she schooled her features.  “You know Ernest?’

“I am well acquainted with **_HER_**. I know **SHE** played a minor part in how the game resolved itself.  It was nice of you to help stack the deck in Officer Peck’s and Doctor Stewart’s favor.”

Root nodded her head.  “I’ll talk to Shaw and we’ll get back with you.” She turned and then turned back.  “Do you want the donation back?”

“Did **SHE** help at all during the game?  Root shook her head no.  “Then, no, you earned that money.”

“You believe me?  Just like that? You don’t even know us.”

“Yes. I may not know the two of you well, but I told you I know HER. SHE wouldn’t have picked you for the roles you have unless she trusted your integrity.”  Xena glanced over and saw Helena and Barbara in what appeared to be a heated  conversation.  She quickly returned her attention to Root to end their conversation.  “No rush.  Whenever it is convenient.  Just give us a call and we will set up a dinner.”

Root nodded once, turned and hurried up the street.

~~~~~~

“But Red!?!” Helena whined.

“No, Hel.  Don’t you even try to excuse your juvenile behavior.  I know you and know how snarky you can be and you always think that it is all in good fun.  It usually is in fun.”  She pursed her lips.   “You crossed the line here.  It wasn’t fun.  You were rude and obnoxious.  You owe Emily an apology. 

“Emily started it.”

“Yes, I am aware of that, but you _chose_ to continue it.”  Barbara pinched the bridge of her nose.  

“You also owe Gabrielle a **_real_** apology and Xena a huge ‘thank you’ for not kicking you into next week.”  Barbara sighed and softened and pleaded, “Helena, we come to these things to network and make allies.  Today was just a huge embarrassment.  Hopefully most will forget it by next year but you still need to make amends for this year.”

Barbara turned her chair around and headed for the van.  She stopped suddenly and whipped back around to face Helena.  Helena stopped short and had to back up a step to keep from hitting the chair.  “I’m going back to the hotel with Dinah. “  She pointed at Helena.  “You go do what you know you need to do.  Call when you are ready and I’ll send Dinah back to get you.”

Helena watched as Barbara got into the van and it pulled away from the curb.  She half-heartedly returned Dinah’s wave.  Helena lowered her head and kicked at a bottle cap on the sidewalk. 

~~~~~~

“Hel-en-a?”  Xena called out in mock sweetness.

Helena just shook her head as she mumbled  to herself.  _Suck it up, Kyle._   She slowly walked over to Xena.  She tried to plaster on a coy smile, but one look at the warrior standing stock still with her arms crossed killed any chance of her using charm to her advantage.  She immediately downcast her eyes.   “Look Xe…”

“Ahem,”  Xena quickly interrupted Helena.  She waited for Hel to look up and she opened her arms and held them out asking for a hug.  Helena was slightly puzzled but wasn’t about to look the Universe’s gift horse in the mouth.  She stepped into the hug and felt Xena’s arms close around her.

“You do not need to apologize to me.” 

<squeeze.>  

“Yes I do.” Helena admitted.

Xena ignored Helena and continued speaking. “Gabrielle is perfectly capable of fighting her own battles.”

<tighter squeeze.>

 “Xena?” Helena asked as she felt Xena pull her closer in.  Breathing began to get a bit difficult.

 “And she can kick your ass all on her own without my help.”

<.tighter squeeze.> 

“Xe?!?” Hel strangled out and struggled to break the hold.  The more she thrashed the more it tightened. 

“But you know what will happen if you ever lay a hand on her again, right?” 

“Ummmm….” Helena coughed.  

“I will break every single bone in your body.  Twice.”  Xena released the hug and Helena immediately stepped back and doubled over trying to pull in a full breath.  “Get it?” 

“Got it,” Helena said when she finally straighten up. 

Xena lightly slapped Hel’s cheek.  “Good girl.”  

~~~~~~

Emily exited the building stopping here and there to accept the compliments from some of the convention attendees.  Her eyes scanned the street looking for a taxi and a particular pair of friends.  

“Emily?” 

Emily closed her eyes at the sound of the voice she both loved and loathed.  She plastered on her best fake smile and turned to face her.  “Yes, Miranda.” 

“Interesting night.” 

“I can explain….” 

“No, no, not now.  I have promised the children….” She looked over, then gestured to the limo currently surrounded by the Priestly twins, Constable Peck, Doctor Stewart and Andrea,  “ALL the children, I would take them out for ice cream.”  She turned her attention back to Emily.  “We will talk first thing on Monday morning.  My office.”  She heard a vehicle pull up and glanced over.  A familiar face step out and scanned the area.  She watched as Serena greeted him.  “Go have your celebration with your friends.  Nigel and Serena are waiting.” 

“Yes, thank you, Miranda.  I hope you have a pleasant evening. “ 

“Indeed.  Goodnight, Emily.”  Miranda walked over to the limo.  Her attention though was drawn back to the Brit who was temporarily waylaid a second time. 

~~~~~~

“Emily?”   Helena stepped into her path. 

“Oh, it’s you. What do you want now?” 

“I just wanted to tell you that I acted like brat and took my joke too far.  I am truly sorry.” 

“Truly?  Sorry?”  The Brit repeated.  She quickly glanced at the limo.  She lowered her voice to not draw anyone’s attention.  “Yes, yes - you are sorry.  And no, I do not accept your apology.“   She pointed a finger at Helena.  “You may have just cost me my job.  Miranda wants to see me in her office on Monday.  Thank you very much.”  She glared at Helena.  “As far as I am concerned, you know where you can go straight to… Hel-en-a?”  She made a shooing motion.  “Run along home; a toddler shouldn’t be out this late.”  

Emily quickly walked over to the taxi.  She greeted Nigel with a kiss to his cheek and took Serena by the hand.  “Let’s get out of here.  I need some grown-up time and a drink or twelve.”

 "Uh oh, you are going to have to tell Uncle Nigel all about it.” 

“Sure, right after drink number five, maybe.”

~~~~~~

Miranda witnessed the exchange between Emily and Helena.  She continued on her trek to the limo but her peripheral attention was on Helena who was slowly walking away dejectedly.  Miranda pressed a button on her phone and held it to her ear.  “Convention center, Roy.” 

“Andrea?” Miranda motioned her over.  “Please give my apologies to the girls.  I have to go to the office and take care of something first.  I’ll try to meet you there but I am not sure how long this may take.” 

“I’ll tell them.  They’ll understand.  How about if I invite Gail and Holly to the townhouse for dinner tomorrow?  The girls love Gail, and this way we can spend some time with the pair as well.” 

“That would be lovely.”  Miranda leaned in and kissed Andy.  “Now run along, you know how you get when  you don’t get your ice cream.” 

“Cheeky.   I’ll see you at home later, Miranda.”

~~~~~~

Miranda turned and followed Helena down the street; it didn’t take long to catch up with the slow walking brunette. 

“Ms. Kyle?” 

Helena  turned and faced the older woman.  “Mrs. Priestly.” 

“Miranda.”   

“Then please, call me Helena.”   She sighed.  “I am glad to have this chance to apologize….” 

“No, no.”  Miranda uttered to forestall the apology. 

“But I….” 

“No.”  

Helena stood in complete silence, puzzled by the older woman’s behavior.  Every time she wanted to open her mouth, one pointed look from Miranda caused her to close it quickly.  It was only a few moments later that a town car pulled to the curb.  The driver got out to and quickly came around to open the passenger door. 

“Ms. Kyle?  Get in the car.” 

“Ummm, no, that’s alright.  I have someone coming to get me.”  Hel turned to walk away. 

“Ms. Kyle.  That was not a suggestion.” 

Helena stopped abruptly, and took a good look at Miranda.  She swallowed hard, got into the town car and moved over to the far side door.  She tried the handle and it was locked. 

Miranda entered the car and right before Roy closed the door Miranda mouthed ‘office’.  Roy nodded once. 

“Mrs. Priestly….” 

“No.” Miranda stared intently at Helena. 

“I just….” 

Miranda cocked an eyebrow and pursed her lips. 

“Is this going to be a one way trip?” 

“That depends on you.” 

The car eventually pulled over to the curb and a few long, silent moments later Roy opened the door and assisted Miranda in getting out.  He did the same for Helena.  

Helena leaned in close to Roy and whispered, “I’ve got money.  Get me out of here and I’ll make it worth your while.” 

Roy just smiled and shook his head. 

Miranda, who was halfway to the doors of the building, turned back to see if Helena was following.  “Come along, Ms. Kyle. By all means move at a glacial pace. It thrills me so.” 

Helena looked up the height of the building and whistled.  _I hope she isn’t planning on tossing me out a window.  Not sure even this cat can survive that fall._

Miranda dismissively waved at the night security officer, and made her way directly to her elevator.  “Come along, Ms. Kyle.” 

Helena entered the elevator and opened her mouth to talk.  Miranda just shook her head.  Hel nervously rocked back and forth on her feet.  The elevator finally reached the appropriate floor and Miranda led the way out.  “This way.” 

The older woman pushed open the glass office door and immediately moved behind her desk.  She pointed to the chair in front and Helena sat down.  She then thought better of it and moved back to the front of the desk.  Miranda leaned back on the desk and crossed her arms; she continued silently staring at the brunette. 

Helena wanted to wait her out but her impatience just wouldn’t let her. “Mrs. Priestly, I am not sure why you brought me here, but before you kill me, could you please let me apologize?”  

“Kill you?”  Miranda smirked. 

“Get in the car.  Don’t say a word.  One way trip.  Yeah, kill me.” 

“Why would I kill you?” 

“For everything I did and why I have been trying to apologize all this time.  I know I acted like a brat to Emily.  I shouldn’t have let her get to me and I shouldn’t have turned into a five year old.  I was in your house, so to speak, and should have acted accordingly. I honestly do have manners.  My Mother raised me better than that.” 

“Yes, she did.  Selina’s House Rule number nine, I believe?” 

Helena ‘s eyes grew as big as saucers.  “How did you know that?  How…?” 

“Selina and I met when you were just a toddler.  A mutual friend introduced us when I was in need of some expert advice about an antique.” 

“My Mother was an expert appraiser of art and antiquities.  World Class, you might say.” 

“I did not need her to appraise the piece.  I needed her to steal it.” 

“Excuse me?!?” 

“Suffice it to say, my soon to be ex-husband stole a family heirloom from me. He was trying to use it for leverage in our divorce proceedings.  It was not a valuable piece but it did have great sentimental value to me.  She got it back and also somehow convinced him to stop contesting the divorce.  I did not ask how.   So you see, I know all about your mother and her… _hobbies_ and I know all about your _hobbies_ , as well… Huntress.” 

“I don’t…” 

“Yes, you do.  I have followed your recent exploits.  I made a promise to your mother years ago.”  She uncrossed her arms, and her expression softened.  “Helena, I know you have… issues with your father.  Besides Barbara and Dinah, do you have any other family?’ 

“I have no siblings but I have friends in Gotham and a Godmother somewhere.  I only remember meeting her a few times.  She used to visit us in Paris. I remember the last time I saw her, I was about six or seven.  She used to do these crazy cartoon character voices to make me laugh.  She had really light hair.  My Mother told me that she was one of her really good friends. That even though we didn’t see her all the time, she trusted that she would always keep an eye on us.  Mom used to call her by one name and she used to always tell my Mom that person didn’t exist anymore.  I think Mom used to call her Miriam.” 

“Miriam Princek.” 

“Yeah, how did you know?   Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh… you?”      

“Yes.” 

“You’re my Godmother?”  Helena smirked and then chuckled.  “Who knew?  I have a Godmother… with ties to the fashion industry.  I’m a Disney fairytale.” 

“Come with me.”  Miranda exited her office with Helena in tow and made her way down the hall.  She stopped at a set of frosted french doors.  She turned to the brunette and with a twinkle in her eye, opened the doors with a flourish and said, “ **Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo.”**

“Whoaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.”  Helena tried to take in everything at once.  There were racks upon racks of clothing all separated by type and walls of shoes, bags and accessories.  “What is this magical place?”  

“We refer to it as ‘The Closet’.” 

“I’ve heard about being in the closet; pretty sure this place is nothing like that.”  Helena continued looking through the clothing and running her hands down some of the fabrics.  She noticed that in one of the shelves on the footwear wall was a very familiar statuette.  She moved in for a closer look.  

“Recognize it?” 

Helena reached for it and stopped.  She silently asked the question and Miranda nodded her head.   “That is one of Mom’s favorite pieces.  She used to talk about it all the time.  It was the one piece she never wanted to sell on the blackmarket.    She wanted to keep it but Bru… _someone_ made her give it back.   Nice copy.” 

“It is not a copy.”  

Helena, surprised, juggled it briefly and then gingerly placed it back on the shelf.   

“I told you, Helena, we were friends.  She kept my secrets, and I kept hers.”  Miranda motioned Helena to follow her to a different area.  “She would come see it when she was in New York.  She had a very good copy made and then had a curator friend certify the copy was indeed the original.  They did not know that they were acquaintances, so they had no reason to not believe him. He, in turn, then put the copy immediately into storage citing security reasons.  No one has been the wiser since.  I think it tickled her that she put one over on the authorities and your father.” 

“Go Mom.” 

“As your fairy Godmother, without those magical powers, I have to do this the old-fashioned way.  So, Helena, so do you see anything you like?  Anything catching your eye?” 

For the next twenty minutes Helena was like a kid in a candy store.  She ran around looking and touching and imagining herself in many of the garments.  Miranda sat at one of the many vanity tables and watched the pure joy on the younger woman’s face.  

“AAAIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!”  Helena squealed. 

Miranda stifled a chuckle. 

There was a coughing sound and then, “That wasn’t me.”   Another cough and then, “You must have a mouse.”    

“Two, of course - Jacques and Gus.  Who do you think sews all these fabulous clothes, Cindehelena?”  Miranda stood up looking for the young woman among the racks.  Helena poked her head out around one of the racks and winked at Miranda. 

She stepped out and over to Miranda. “May I have this?”  She held an exact copy of the dress Emily had been wearing.    She bit her bottom lip and gave Miranda a pleading look. 

“Do you want some shoes?  A bag?  Accessories?”  Miranda pointed to various parts of the closet housing those choices. 

Helena shook her head.  “No, just this, thank you.” She tilted her head.  “And maybe we can talk about Maman a bit.” 

“Indeed.  I would love to talk about Selina with you. You sure? Just that one dress? You do not want anything else?” 

“No, no.”  Helena gave her a radiant smile.  “That’s all.”

 

 

**THE END**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. I hope you enjoyed the story. If you would like to learn more about the charities I used in the story the URLs are below the credits. If any of them touch your heart, please consider making a donation on Giving Tuesday (November 28th). Actually, please consider making a donation to ANY charity of your choice on Giving Tuesday. I hope y’all have an awesome holiday season.
> 
>  
> 
> CHARACTER CREDITS  
> Devil Wears Prada: Finerman/ Rosenfelt Production, 20th Century Fox, created by Lauren Weisberger  
> D.E.B.S: Sperling/Kosovic Production , Screen Gems, created by Angela Robinson  
> Xena: Warrior Princess: Tapert/ Raimi Production , Renaissance Pictures, created by Robert Tapert  
> Birds of Prey: Tollin/Robbins Production , The WB, created by Laeta Kalogridis AND DC Comics  
> Person of Interest: Nolan/Abrams Production, Warner Brothers Television, CBS, created by Jonathan Nolan  
> Law & Order (all): NBC-Universal/Wolf Productions, NBC, created by Dick Wolf  
> Rookie Blue: Wellington/Camerson Production , Global TV (Canada)/ABC (United States), created by Morwyn Brebner/Tassie Camerson/Ellen Vanstone  
> Women's Murder Club: 20th Century Fox Television Production, ABC, created by Elizabeth Craft, Sarah Fain and James Patterson  
> Rizzoli and Isles: Ostar Production, TNT, created by Tess Gerritsen and Janet Tamaro  
> Nikki and Nora: UPN Network (Pilot), created by Nancylee Myatt  
> ~~~~~  
> CSI: Jerry Bruckheimer Television Production, CBS, created by Anthony Zuiker  
> Guiding Light: P&G/Telenext Media Production, CBS, created by Irna Phillips  
> Charlie’s Angels: Spelling/Goldberg Production, Columbia Pictures, ABC, created by Ivan Goff/Ben Roberts  
> Cinderella: Walt Disney Production based on a the story Cenderillon by Charles Perrault
> 
> The Xena/Gabrielle characterization and their relationships to the others belongs to D’s ‘Verse. Miranda Priestly's awesome voice talents are thanks to Meryl Streep's awesome voice talents. The other characterizations though are from my stories. Remember, I write comedies. ALL my characters have senses of humor. Their shows may have been dramas, but this is their off time/fun time. 
> 
> Just for the record...I LOVE goofball Abbie Carmichael.
> 
> CHARITY LINKS  
> Habitats for Humanity -- https://www.habitat.org/  
> Art Works For Healing -- http://www.awbw.org/  
> Paws and Stripes -- http://www.pawsandstripes.org/  
> Joyful Heart Foundation -- http://www.joyfulheartfoundation.org/  
> Evergreen -- http://www.evergreen.ca/  
> Greater Boston Food Bank -- http://www.gbfb.org/  
> Kids Enjoy Exercise Now -- http://www.keensanfrancisco.org/  
> AND  
> Futures Without Violence -- https://www.futureswithoutviolence.org/


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